Two and a Half Men

Seriously ... how could he resist?

If you were wondering whether Charlie Sheen was watching "Two and a Half Men" last night.... the answer is, hell yeah!

And Charlie not only watched, we're told he loved it!

Sheen is telling close friends ... watching his own funeral on TV was "eerie but fun."

Charlie loved Ashton Kutcher, saying "I thought it was the best intro for a new a character on a TV show of all time." He particularly enjoyed the fact that Ashton "was revealed through the dusty exploded smoke of my remains."

And if you think Charlie has been playing nice because it's all part of his settlement agreement ... we know that's not the case. Warner Bros. is not demanding favorable reviews from Charlie in return for his $125 million.

That kind of money tends to make you gracious.

Chuck Lorre, the creator of "Two and a Half Men," made damn sure Charlie Sheen was never coming back ... because as TMZ first reported, Charlie Harper was nothing more than exploding meat when the script was put to bed.

Charlie Sheen will immediately get $25 million in his settlement with Warner Bros. in his "Two and a Half Men" dispute -- but over time he'll get 5 times that amount ... TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with the settlement tell TMZ ... Charlie will get the $25 mil in about two weeks and, as we reported, the sum represents the monies owed him for the work he already performed on the series and the profits that have already accrued.

But Charlie has shot around 180 episodes for the show, and in the next 7 - 10 years, the settlement will produce $100 million for the actor in syndication profits.

Charlie Sheen is days away from settling his mega-dispute with Warner Bros. over "Two and a Half Men," but sources connected with the negotiation tell us ... Charlie is not getting what he wants.

Our sources say Charlie will NOT get paid for future episodes -- that's something his legal team insisted he was entitled to based on his deal with Warner Bros.

As for what Charlie will get ... we're told it's around $25 million, but most of that is money that he's already owed for episodes that he shot and profits from the show that have already accrued. When Charlie got fired from the show, the suits at Warner Bros. stopped paying him -- this settlement is essentially making all the money matters current.

Charlie will still get syndication money in the future for the shows in which he appeared, so the gravy train is still rolling down the track.

Charlie Sheen ironically and rather awkwardly presented the Emmy for Best Actor in a Comedy Series -- but before he did, he had something to say (again) to the people at "Two and a Half Men."

The warlock also chatted up his replacement -- Ashton Kutcher -- backstage at the Emmys.

After the WORST TV breakup of all time, Charlie Sheen says he LOVES the idea of returning to "Two and a Half Men" ... even though his character is supposedly DEAD.

Sheen appeared on the "Today" show this morning ... where he told Matt Lauer that Ashton Kutcher is "going to do great" as the NEW star when the show comes back next week.

But when Lauer suggested Sheen could return to his old stomping grounds for a cameo -- Sheen LIT UP ... saying, "If they thought it was a good idea ... I'm completely on board for that."

Even though Charlie Harper "died" after Sheen went off the deep end a while back ... Sheen insists, "There was no body at the funeral ... there was no urn."

Holland Taylor has been working with Ashton Kutcher on "Two and a Half Men" for a few weeks now -- and she says there's no comparing him with Charlie Sheen ... they're just too different.

When our photog asked if Ashton could fill Charlie's shoes, she told us, "No one can fill Charlie's shoes. He's not trying to fill Charlie's shoes. He's being Ashton! They are both delightful. They are totally different."

Jon Cryer's efforts to get out of paying child support to his ex-wife -- who temporarily lost custody of their kid -- have been stymied after an appeals court ruled the actor MUST shell out $8,000 per month.

The "Two and a Half Men" actor had been waging the battle for years -- in 2009, Jon filed papers claiming he shouldn't have had to pay a single cent to Sarah Trigger Cryer because back then, she only had custody of their young son 4% of the time.

But, the California Court of Appeal believes lowering Jon's child support obligation could have a negative effect on the child -- and yesterday, it rejected Jon's appeal.

The court explained, "Although, understandably, Jon may have found the situation unfair, the primary focus must remain on the child's well-being, not the parents' feelings."

UPDATE: Since 2009, the courts have increased Sarah's custody rights -- and according to her lawyer, she now has custody of their son for 35% of the time ... and the courts NEVER ruled that she was an unfit parent.

Sarah continues to receive $8,000 per month in child support.

Denise Richards has turned down an offer to appear on the premiere episode of "Two and a Half Men," because she thinks Charlie Sheen would make her life miserable.

Sources connected with the production tell TMZ ... producers offered Denise a guest starring role for the debut with Ashton Kutcher, but they say she told them she wouldn't do it because "She would never hear the end of it from Charlie."

No doubt -- Chuck Lorre is trying to stick the knife in as far as he possibly can because ... well, he hates Charlie's guts. But we're told Denise just wouldn't play along.

Charlie Sheen has a message to the people at "Two and a Half Men" -- WARLOCKS CANNOT BE KILLED BY A TRAIN!!!!

TMZ has obtained the first promotional photo for Sheen's upcoming "Comedy Central Roast" -- where the obvious message seems to be that the CRAZY TRAIN is coming to town ... and Charlie's the conductor.

But Charlie tells TMZ there's a DEEPER message -- and it's aimed at the "Men" writers who killed off his character in a "meat explosion" with a metro-train ... saying, "Killed by a train? Nice try guys."

Angus T. Jones has seemingly come to terms with Charlie Harper's death on "Two and a Half Men" ... telling us, "It is what it is."

Jones was at L.A. Live outside the Staples Center last night -- where he told us how the rest of the "Men" cast is reacting to Ashton Kutcher ... and Ashton's kick ass GIANT trailer.

Judging by the audience reaction Friday night, Ashton Kutcher is an instant hit on "Two and a Half Men," and judging by the bottom line, he's being handsomely rewarded with a paycheck that approaches a million bucks an episode.

There are reports that he's raking in $700,000, but we know it's much higher. Ashton is actually getting between $800,000 and $900,000 an episode.

True enough ... Charlie Sheen was making a lot more -- $1.25 million an episode, plus profit sharing which brought him to $2 million per show. We're told Ashton will get the often-elusive "back end" profits as well.

It took a freaking TRAIN to kill off Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men" -- and the Warlock tells TMZ, he wouldn't have it any other way ... in fact, he's "honored" by his gruesome, untimely demise.

As we previously reported, Charlie Harper's death on "Men" is absolutely grotesque -- we're told he gets run over by a subway train in Paris, after slipping off the platform, and BLOWS UP in a massive "meat explosion."

But Charlie Sheen isn't just unfazed ... he's elated -- telling us, "I am honored that it took something as large and violent as an oncoming train to terminate my character."

He adds, "Anything less would have been an insult!"

Charlie Harper is gone ... but not forgotten -- especially by some die-hard Charlie Sheen supporters who have been slapping "Where's Charlie?" stickers all over L.A. in what seems to be a silent show of support for the former "Two and a Half Men" star.

The stickers began to appear on various street signs in L.A. within the last few days -- with most of the stickers showing up in the Mulholland area where Sheen lives.

We're told Sheen has seen the stickers and appreciates the message -- but doesn't support the vandalism.

So far, the identity of the sticky bandit remains a mystery.

Charlie Sheen says he's "just as curious as everyone else" to see the new Charlie Harper-less version of "Two and a Half Men" next month ... insisting, "I think Ashton's gonna kill it."

Sheen was in L.A. with his pal Chuck Zito yesterday ... and though he insisted he'll be "rooting hard" for the new version ... he quipped, "It'll be nice to know that they get some carryover ratings from people being sorta curious about what happened to their guy."

Charlie Sheen is extremely grateful that Ashton Kutcher replaced him on "Two and a Half Men" -- telling TMZ, if Ashton hadn't taken his old spot ... Charlie would never have been able to kick-start his career.

According to Charlie, his funeral on the show just adds some closure to the story -- telling us, “I have always been told that I have 9 lives, so it is going to be amazing to witness my own funeral which is clearly a win/win situation because Ashton has just given me a 10th."

As we previously reported, Charlie is making a huge comeback after "Men" -- announcing his brand new TV project based on "Anger Management."

But something tells us, Ashton won't be getting a "Thank You" letter in the mail.