Today I Learned

Here's the statement Jessica just released:

"I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City and to the United Way for my involvement in this incident."

DESCRIPTION: Male, medium build ... and wearing an empty Bud Light box as a mask!!!!

Sure, he's a moron, but the stupid disguise worked -- cops are still looking for this idiot.

UPDATE: We just obtained this video of the beer box bandit in action, in which he uses a green towel to make the clerk believe he's carrying a firearm.

Bristol Palin may wanna cover her ears -- Brooke Shields claims she would've swiped her V-card a lot sooner if she wouldn't have had so many issues with body image.

In a ridiculously candid interview with Health Magazine, Brooke said her biggest health regret was "Not learning to love the way I looked earlier. And I think I would have had sex a lot earlier! I think I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did at 22."

These are Jon's senior yearbook pics from 1995, when he was captain of his state champion soccer team -- which his dad coached -- and more importantly, the proud owner of the "Friendly Flirt" award.

Some things never change.

The #1 source for drinking water in space ... is #1.

Astronauts on the International Space Station had their first taste of liquid goodness from their new urine recycling system -- which magically transforms pee, sweat and water condensed from exhaled air to create a nice cool glass of aqua. Who's thirsty!?

But here's the crazy part -- not only do the astronauts think the final product tastes great ... but they even cracked jokes about it, claiming the water came with this special warning: "drink this when real water is over 200 miles away."

It's hilarious in theory, but when a student actually grabbed a snake from his biology class and tried to use it as a jump rope... the cops weren't laughing.

Pittsburgh police claim some dumbass 17-year-old took a living, breathing snake out of his biology class Monday and tried to play some double dutch with it.

Fortunately, the snake survived and is currently being examined by a vet. As for the kid -- cops say he'll be charged with theft and cruelty to animals.

First A-Roid ... then Manny ... now Queen Elizabeth herself has been injected into a scandal involving a performance enhancing substance.

It's all over a racehorse owned by the Queen -- officials in England claim the horse, named Moonlit Path, tested positive for a banned substance after a race in March. But here's the catch: Moonlit Path didn't even win the race -- it finished 6th.

The Queen's peeps have already come up with an excuse, claiming Moonlit Path only got the prohibited acid -- which is also used to treat excessive bleeding -- in the best interests of the "horse's welfare."

It only took 968 questionable criminal background checks -- but at least law enforcement officials in Massachusetts know Tom Brady is clean.

An internal investigation revealed that several Massachusetts officials have been snooping around in the personal files of several Boston area celebs -- including Brady, Matt Damon, James Taylor and Boston Celtic Paul Pierce, according to the Boston Globe.

If you happen to be an exhibitionist, the Happiest Place on Earth just got a little happier -- 'cause Disney is dropping their last line of defense against roller-coaster boobie flashers.

It's all over rides like Splash Mountain -- aka Flash Mountain -- where some people would whip out certain body parts in the hopes that the park camera would catch the nudity ... and then display the naked shot on the photo preview screens for all to see.

Disney had created "image screening positions" to prevent the XXX shots from going public. But now, execs have told the OC Register the screeners have been "redeployed" -- and that they no longer need to monitor the rides because "actual inappropriate behaviors by guests are rare."

But before you run out and bare all, Disney claims they're still going to patrol the park for flashers ... and anyone who tries to turn the place into their own adult Fantasyland will still get a taste of Mickey's size 24.

Miranda Lambert is set to perform tomorrow at the four day event in Stillwater -- where there will be enough beer, music and fried bull balls to last you a lifetime.

No word if there are any sack races at the event.

This is either really, really noble -- or really, really stupid. Or both.

Some gangly dude in a spandex outfit who calls himself the "Shadow Hare" is roaming the streets of Cincinnati -- dedicated to ridding the city of evil-doers. Seriously.

Here's the catch -- he's 21-years-old, he's built like a math tutor, and he has no known super powers.

But Shadow Hare -- who refuses to reveal his true identity -- still bravely/stupidly patrols the streets, carrying legal items like handcuffs, tasers and pepper spray.

The guy even busted his shoulder trying to stop a guy from beating up a woman. And he hands out food to the homeless.

But he's not alone -- Shadow claims he's part of the "Allegiance of Heroes" which includes Aclyptico in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado and Master Legend in Florida.

Shadow Hare recently told WLWT that he's even teamed up with Mr. Extreme in California to "track down a rapist."

So the big question -- is he noble for standing up for good and trying to protect his community ... or is he just some delusional moron who's gonna hurt himself?

We've learned three people were detained at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas yesterday, after they allegedly stole boxes of hotel magazines with Sir Paul on the cover, touting the re-opening of The Joint's new venue which McCartney will christen on Sunday.

Some MacGyver-esque drunkard in Ohio is facing DUI charges after crashing a bar stool he was driving -- HE WAS DRIVING!

Cops arrived to the scene around 5:41 PM on March 4, arrested the guy, and filed a police report ... here are the highlights ... it's classic.

"Unit #1 was heading west bound on Kelly Lane. Unit #1 attempted to turn around (180 degrees), and back down Kelly east bound. As Unit #1 began its turn, it rolled over and the operator was injured."

"Note: Unit #1 was a home made [sic] motor vehicle, a bar stool attached to a frame with a lawn mower attached."

"At this point I noticed that Mr. Wygle's eye's [SIC] were very blood shot and were glassy in appearance."

"I asked him what happened, Mr. Wygle stated, 'I wrecked my bar stool.'"

"I asked Mr. Wygle how much alcohol he had to drink, he said, 'a lot.'"