The View

So said Joy Behar of Danny DeVito this morning on "The View," referring to his wacky, limoncello-lubricated appearance on Wednesday's show. "He was drunk as a skunk," exclaimed Joy, though the ladies all agreed that it was in good fun. Den mother Barbara Walters said that DeVito had called her to apologize, and that she'll have him back on the show, "better sober than not."

Later, Rosie continued her appeal for temporary adoption of young Britney Spears, and offered her a gift of something she's been sorely lacking in recent days (and nights) -- panties. In addition to one comely pair with the glittery inscription "No Peeking" on them, Rosie also offered her a pair of her own undergarments, for Brit to use "as a body stocking." Or temporary shelter.

DeVito, appearing as a guest on the show to plug his latest comedy, "Deck the Halls," told the View gals that he might not have gotten to sleep just yet ... before the 10 AM taping.

Then, cursing his seventh limoncello (a lemon liqueur) from the night before, DeVito went on an extended, Three Stooges-esque rant against President Bush, much of which was bleeped out by network censors. He also talked about making full use of the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House when he and wife Rhea Perlman stayed there.

Joy and Rosie laughed at DeVito's antics. Elisabeth seemed tolerably amused, despite the political slant. Barbara, however, was very much not so, glaring icily at the "limonized" DeVito.

O'Donnell really, really wants to snatch Brit from the clutches of her panty-shunning pals, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, and provide basic instruction to the Britster on how to wear underwear again.

She told Elisabeth, Joy and Barbara that her feelings for Britney were "purely maternal," and that she didn't worry about Britney corrupting her own kids -- a concern that Joy sensibly raised. Rosie also appealed to Victoria's Secret to provide an unlimited supply of underwear to the Taco Belles, so that we -- and the rest of the viewing public -- don't have to be subjected to their "ying-yang," as Rosie called it.

Barbara, austere as ever, asked only the eternal question, "Why?"

Babwa surprised her co-hosts by opening the show with her own statement about Ro versus Ripa and Clay-Handgate, saying that Rosie had talked to "our good friend Kelly Ripa" as well as Aiken, and that all was well, though Joy did invite Barbara to cover her mouth with her hand.

Later, though, Rosie made no mistake that she was unhappy about being ambushed by a livid Kelly Ripa on yesterday's show, saying, "I didn't think it was a great thing putting her on."

The fracas started on "The View" when O'Donnell said that Ripa was "homophobic" for her scolding of Aiken when he co-hosted her show the other day and playfully put his hand over her mouth, prompting Ripa to snap, "I don't know where that hand has been." Rosie suggested that if Aiken had been a "straight guy, a cute guy" or, for instance, Mario Lopez, Ripa wouldn't have made the same remark. (Aiken, of course, has never said anything publicly about his sexuality.)

Ripa was incensed enough to call into the show immediately, firing back that Rosie's accusation was "outrageous" and "irresponsible" and that Ripa made the remark last Friday because it was "cold and flu season" and that Aiken had shaken the hands of the studio audience. Rosie wasn't buying it, and in acknowledging that she admires Ripa, said that "from where I sit" as an openly gay woman, Ripa's response was homophobic.

Kelly, for her part, continued to pile on Aiken as well, saying that his behavior on last week's episode was "disrespectful," including the fact that he never thanked her for the opportunity to co-host. Kelly and the ladies agreed on one thing: guest host Sherri Shepherd's assertion that Clay probably wouldn't have muzzled Regis like he did Kelly.

O'Donnell was talking about her own gay admission to Warner Bros. execs when she started her talk show back in 1995, and said that she kept it mainly under wraps to avoid controversy. But, she added, "At the time when my show was on, there was no Drudge Report, there was no Perez Hilton, there was no TMZ, and you could be gay and have a big successful career and no one would ask you -- no journalist ever asked me."

Her former bigness hit the trendy Mr. Chow restaurant in Hollywood last night to treat herself to a high quality meal. They don't serve crow.

Although she has yet to land a new gig, it's good to see that the once larger-than-life lawyer has socked away enough dough to afford a few dumplings.

"The View" co-hostesses, Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselblech, are usually bumping heads -- but last night, the two couch-sisters were all lovey dovey. Rosie and Elisabeth attended last night's Broadway opening of "Les Miserables" together.

Rosie, with a handycam, was filming her own footage of the event. She took a break to pose for pics with Miss Lizzie. While Elisabeth's smile seemed genuine, Rosie looked slightly 'miserable.'

Rosie kicked off the episode talking about "the day after" and how she was "over the moon excited" -- a veiled reference to the election results from yesterday. But no, Rosie had other things on her mind -- Britney kicking K-Fed to the curb! Rosie shouted out the news and screamed out "Confetti!" as tons of streamers fell from the ceiling. You want election coverage, turn to CNN. You want Britney love, check out "The View."

Fed-bashing wasn't limited to The View. "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno took a shot at the former couple during his election night monologue as well.

Meanwhile, today, Rosie was picking zits, not nits, as she welcomed her best friend Jackie Ellard to the show as part of Best-Friend-Guest-Host Week. Ellard revealed that one of Rosie's most troubling habits was her comedone-extracting compulsion (aka picking other people's zits), and Rosie informed us that one of her weapons of mass extraction was a paper clip.

Thank you, Rosie, for that dermatological tutorial. Thankfully, an ABC rep had this to say about last week's incident: "It's a live show and technical glitches sometimes happen ... No big deal."

Elisabeth and Joy began their sparring when Joy criticized President Bush and his lieutentants for "making hay" out of Sen. Kerry's remarks on Monday when he suggested to group of students that a poor education would lead to their being "stuck in Iraq," offending troops and politicians everywhere (Kerry said yesterday that he mishandled a joke, and meant to criticize the Bush administration.)

That persistently doctrinaire right-wing political thinker Elisabeth jumped all over Kerry (and Joy), equating the Senator to "Mel Gibson without the booze," slamming his flip-flops, and then defended President Bush for his "higher IQ" and "better grades" than Kerry while the two were at Yale. Joy was having none of it, and the two exchanged a flurry of invectives.

The denizens of TV's favorite coffeeklatsch, joined by former morning-show diva Kathie Lee Gifford, took royal aspiration to a completely different level on their Halloween show and dressed as famous female monarchs, complete Rosie as Queen Victoria, Joy as Queen Elizabeth II and especially convincing physical (and dramatic) impressions. Elisabeth played Marie Antoinette, and Kathie Lee was, well, Catherine the Great.

Talking to Rosie, Joy, and Elisabeth about her various plastic surgery mishaps over the past couple years, Tara tried to explain how a surgeon fixed her rather mishandled breast implants with the help of a blue piece of card stock. "Say this is a piece of paper," said Tara, to which Joy replied, "That is a piece of paper, Tara." The explanation that followed was no more cogent, mixing areolas and incisions and the paper into a weirdly incomprehensible jumble that had Rosie looking awfully confused.

Joy, as usual, saved the moment by comparing the procedure -- and Reid's explanation -- to an Italian family in Brooklyn.

Rosie told the ladies that she'd been cruising the Internet and that rumors were swirling there that Elisabeth hated her and was about to leave the show. Young Hasselbeck, wearing a suit jacket not seen since a Grosse Pointe holiday party in 1979, vowed her love for Rosie with one hand on her "View" mug and another in the air.

But today, it was Joy Behar who took up the fiercest verbal arms -- on the topic of Mel Gibson, no less. At this morning's Hot Topics table, Behar proclaimed, "I can't stand him," and suggested that Barbara Walters do a special called "The Ten People You'll Meet in Hell" featuring the actor, who recounted his DUI arrest and its anti-Semitic aftermath to Diane Sawyer this morning on "Good Morning America."

And she didn't stop there. Behar added that Gibson "needs to be taken out of show business," even simply for being a father of seven children driving drunk with an open bottle of tequila next to him. Oddly, Rosie, while not exactly taking Mel's side, adopted a softer position on the troubled star, saying that stars "are just normal people" and that they have their lapses. Elisabeth and Barbara, for their parts, were generally muted on Mel.

On a manic first day on "The View," Rosie O'Donnell took charge of the table, introducing herself jokingly as Meredith Vieira, showed off a bouquet of flowers from her friend Tom Cruise, gave away a cruise to the audience, and managed to avoid getting into it with Elisabeth, though she was almost provoked into a little confrontation by Joy Behar.

After assuring the audience, "I'm taking my medication and everything will be fine," Rosie made her presence felt -- and made nice with her co-hosts -- at the Hot Topics table. She assured Barbara Walters that she'll email her whenever she blogs about the show on Rosie.com (and teased her boss about her technological shortcomings), complimented Elisabeth on her newly-short locks (which Hasselbeck said she did impulsively "on a bad day"), and congratulated Joy on her daughter's engagement.

But Rosie being Rosie, she couldn't resist just a little spice -- she talked about having conversations in the bath with her daughter about pubic hair, looked ready to spar when Joy bizarrely ascribed a Japanese accent to Rosie's son Blake, and expressed great joy at the USTA National Tennis Center naming itself after lesbian icon Billie Jean King. But she didn't pontificate, and, all in all, the show had an energy that hasn't been in evidence in some time.