Humor

Chris D'Elia's been accused of threatening to share intimate videos of a woman in a new restraining order, but not only does the comedian claim he's never met his accuser, he says she's also been sending him threatening audio and text messages since earlier this year.

TMZ has obtained the docs, filed by Caroline Schmitz in L.A., in which she claims she and D'Elia met back in 2017 when she was working as a comedian. Schmitz says she and Chris hooked up several times, and then heard from him again when he contacted her through OnlyFans in May.

As for the communications on OnlyFans, Schmitz says a profile -- who she believes D'Elia was behind -- threatened to post intimate videos she'd recorded and told her she needed to get out of Los Angeles.

Schmitz says she believes D'Elia was behind the OF account because she, "recognized his style of writing." She also says she believes Chris hacked her phone.

D'Elia's attorney, Andrew Brettler, tells TMZ, "These accusations are as fantastical as they are defamatory. Chris has never met this person. But over the last year, she has sent him increasingly disturbing text and audio messages, including making threats against him and his family. If anyone is going to get a restraining order here, it’s going to be Chris.”

We've obtained some of the many messages Chris says Schmitz sent to him through Instagram where you hear a woman rambling at times about being a stripper. He also says she messaged him, "Have me killed or leave me the f*** alone - I'd die to get the hell away from your evil ass."

The Splash Brothers probably won't be called the Sumo Brothers any time soon ... 'cause Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson both went head-to-head against wrestling legend Hakuhō Shō -- and they hilariously failed to make him budge!!

The Golden State Warriors met up with Hakuhō while visiting Japan for a slate of preseason games this week ... and naturally, they had to test their strength against the highly decorated retired pro.

Despite getting pointers from Hakuhō, both Steph and Klay have a heck of a time getting him to move an inch ... but you gotta give them credit for trying against one of the greatest sumo wrestlers of all time.

But, the craziest part?? Hakuhō appeared to be wearing socks on the hardwood floor ... but there was no slippage issue here!!

FYI -- Hakuhō holds the record for most wins in the top division with 1,093 ... more than 200 victories over second place.

Hakuhō wasn't the only big name hanging with the Warriors this week -- BTS' Suga was also in attendance ... and gifted the players autographed albums!!

American Airlines passengers traveling from L.A. to Dallas probably thought they were about to witness to a mile-high encounter, that sounded downright orgasmic!

Passengers on the Sept. 6 flight heard what one passenger described as "somewhere between an orgasm and vomiting."

Check out the video and listen ... it's coming from the P.A. system, and it sounds like some dude is about to become a member of the not-so-exclusive club!

It was a source of confusion to the flight crew ... apparently, one flight attendant thought someone was pulling a prank, but it turned out to be a weird malfunction in the P.A. that sounded like a man's moans.

An AA rep told KTLA "Our maintenance team thoroughly inspected the aircraft and the PA system and determined the sounds were caused by a mechanical issue with the PA amplifier, which raises the volume of the PA system when the engines are running."

Bill Maher has a hot take on people who love America and people who don't ... and he says lots of folks on the right and the left are as anti-American as they come.

As the "Real Time" host plainly puts it ... "You don't love America if you hate what it stands for," and B.M. has receipts.

Bill asks, how Republicans can say they believe in America when they support a president who tried to pull off a coup? How can Republicans who won't accept election results say with a straight face they believe in America?

He's got another great example using Colin Kaepernick ... just watch.

How can Republicans, he asks, say they believe in America when they get downright underhanded to restrict the right to vote?

There's more ... Republicans used to support law and order ... but now, when it comes to the Capitol Police or the FBI, their mantra is "F*** the police!"

And, of course, there's Donald Trump, who mused out loud he wished generals in the United States military were more like Nazi generals.

It gets downright absurd ... Congresswoman Lauren Boebert complained, "I'm tired of this separation of church and state  junk that's not in the Constitution." Well, it is stupid.

But then on the other side, he says lots of liberals seem to see nothing redeemable about the United States of America ... just shame. Congresswoman Cori Bush said, "This land is stolen land and Black people still aren't free." Bill has some choice words for that.

Congressman Jamaal Bowman said, "I believe our current system of capitalism is slavery by another name." Again, Bill has feelings.

Tom Brady just gave every Buccaneers fan a heart attack -- pretending to cut off his finger while filming a video ... but don't worry, it's all fake!

TB12 made the joke while hanging out with celebrity chef Nick DiGiovanni recently.

In the clip that the GOAT shared to his Instagram page, he asked Nick how to toss a knife on the cutting board for the camera.

"Just take it, and put it into the board," Nick said

Brady did just that -- but then suddenly screamed, "F***!"

The CGI is pretty good ... making it all look real -- but, Brady is just fine.

The vid is pretty ironic considering Brady is dealing with an actual finger injury in real life -- after he hit it on a play against the New Orleans Saints during their game last Sunday.

Tampa Bay head coach Todd Bowles, though, said Friday the guy will be all right for Sunday's game against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

Ray Allen went off on a famous YouTuber after the guy attempted to pull a fart prank on the NBA Hall of Famer ... telling him, "keep it moving!"

In the video, which was posted on YouTube, Allen was picking up a few things at Target when he noticed he was being followed by Lofe, a YouTube star with nearly one million subscribers.

Lofe is seen walking over to Allen and making incessant farting noises near him as someone recorded the prank, setting the former Celtics star off.

"My man! I know you hear me," Allen is heard saying in the clip ... "You following me around trying to do some bulls**t over here. I know you hear me. Keep it moving!"

Allen continued to scold the YouTuber ... blasting the guys for recording after he asked them to stop.

The guys told Allen they were simply taking pictures of him, but the NBA champ wasn't thrilled with the explanation, saying, "I'm not cool with that."

Bob Saget's famous friends are picking up where he left off, raising seven figures for a cause near and dear to his heart ... scleroderma research.

John Mayer, Jimmy Kimmel and Jeff Ross took over hosting duties for their late friend Wednesday at an annual fundraiser for the Scleroderma Research Foundation, with the event raising $1.2 million for crucial research.

Bob hosted SRF's signature event, "Cool Comedy • Hot Cuisine," for 30 years before his death ... and this year's fundraiser featured a special video tribute to Bob, presented by John Stamos and Mike Binder.

Dave Chappelle showed up to the Beverly Wilshire for a surprise performance, even sharing a personal video message he got from Bob before he passed. Bill Burr joined Dave on stage for a couple jokes too.

And, Lori Loughlin was also in attendance at the event.

Other celeb performers included comedy sets from Howie Mandel and Kevin Nealon, plus a musical number from Mayer. Joel McHale led the live auction.

Attendees plunked down $500 just to get inside the building ... and they chowed down on a sit-down dinner curated by celeb chef Susan Feniger.

Penn State ain't letting a great opportunity slip through its fingertips ... TMZ Sports has learned the school will capitalize on the "Chad Powers" craze -- with plans to sell merch this weekend on the heels of Eli Manning's hilarious bit at the university.

A spokesperson for the school said T-shirts with Eli/Powers' images on them will hit the Beaver Stadium bookstore on Saturday. They'll be available at trailer locations during the Nittany Lions' home game against Central Michigan as well.

The shirts are hilarious -- they feature the character and jersey number from Manning's "Eli's Places" episode earlier this week.

If you missed it -- click play right now ... the skit is laugh-out-loud funny, showing Manning caking on makeup and donning a wig in order to "try out" for PSU's football team.

In addition to the shirts, a PSU official tells us there will also be a Chad Powers-themed promotion going on at the school's Beaver Stadium Block Party on Saturday.

At the event, if people run faster than 5.49 seconds in a 40-yard dash (the time Manning recorded as Powers during the workout), they'll get a free Powers T-shirt!

No word on what one of the for-sale tees will cost or if Manning's getting a cut.

"While Chad was not eligible to make our roster as a run-on," a PSU official added, "he is still part of our Penn State Family."

Scott Van Pelt had to take a timeout from a podcast appearance this week -- and it's all 'cause his puppy pooped all over his floor in the background of a shot.

For real.

SVP joined The Ringer's Kevin Clark for a taping of a new episode of "Slow News Day" -- and things appeared to be going smoothly.

The guys chatted for a few seconds -- and at one point, they even noted Van Pelt's new pet was hanging around nearby.

But, as the conversation turned toward Van Pelt's old coworker, Ryen Russillo, the doggo popped a squat and dropped a big #2 on the hardwood.

"Hold on, Redd's taking a s***!" Van Pelt said while pausing Clark mid-sentence. "My dog just took a giant dump right behind us."

Van Pelt eventually called for a 20-second timeout so he could clean it up -- and it was all hilarious.

Of course, ya can't blame the puppy for not knowing Dad's work schedule just yet -- Van Pelt tweeted earlier this week he just got the dog a few days ago ... following the death of his old furry companion, Otis.

Eli Manning's portrayal of "Chad Powers" -- a dude trying out for the Penn State football team -- was so damn funny, the production company behind the 2x Super Bowl winners skit has been fielding offers from entertainment execs wanting to work with the signal-caller.

TMZ Sports posted the clip from "Eli's Places" on Monday ... showing Powers doing everything from running the 40-yard dash (5.49 seconds) to throwing deep balls, all while providing hilarious commentary ("Chad Powers. Ya ain't seen nothin' like him. Not just good looking. I can throw it, baby!").

The clip has already been viewed millions of times across the internet ... and our sources tell us Omaha Productions, owned by Peyton Manning, has been flooded by people in the entertainment industry who wish to work with Manning/Powers.

One of the ideas ... a "Ted Lasso"-type show. Of course, Jason Sudeikis plays Lasso ... an American football coach hired to manage an English soccer club.

'TL' is one of the biggest shows to premiere over the last few years ... and it's won a bunch of awards.

Manning -- who retired after the '19 NFL season -- hosts the "Manningcast" during "Monday Night Football" with Peyton.

Eli also has an online show, "The Eli Manning Show," co-hosted by his former center, Shaun O'Hara, on the NY Giants YouTube page ... in addition to a bunch of endorsements.

Keegan-Michael Key joined a very lucky group on the TMZ Celebrity Tour ... offerin' up advice on how award shows can evolve so comedy bits don't drag people down.

Keegan hopped on our bus in Bev Hills ... and as his wife and writing partner Elle kicked it on the sidewalk, he offered up some tips on cringe-worthy humor during these awards shows.

KMK put it plainly -- you can make a killer joke that has a positive message ... but bringing someone down should be out of bounds.

He's pretty clearly referring to last week's Emmys ... where Jimmy Kimmel was dragged for "passing out" on stage as Quinta Brunson accepted her award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.

After finishing his TMZ Tour "Ted Talk," he entertained passengers with a throwback from 'Key & Peele' ... breaking out his substitute teacher character that he debuted a decade ago!!!

Eli Manning was back in a pair of cleats and tossin' around a pigskin on the gridiron this month -- but he didn't do it as Eli ... rather, he did it as "Chad Powers," and it was HILARIOUS.

Manning went undercover as part of the latest episode of "Eli's Places" (produced by Peyton & Eli's Omaha Productions on ESPN+), where the former New York Giants star wanted to get the full walk-on experience at Penn State.

He spoke with head coach James Franklin and decided to get in on a "try out" -- but making sure he caked on the makeup and donned a wig so he wouldn't be recognized.

Manning called his alter ego "Chad Powers" -- and when he took the field, he stayed in character the entire time.

The 41-year-old ran a 5.49 40-yard dash ... and then threw the football all over -- seemingly impressing Nittany Lions coaches.

"Not just good looking," he said during the bit, "I can throw it, baby!"

Of course, Manning, who played his college ball at Ole Miss, has exhausted all of his eligibility -- so Chad Powers won't be getting in PSU games anytime soon.

A surfer's day on the waves quickly turned into a fight for his board -- 'cause a sea otter stole it from him as he was dippin' in the Pacific Ocean, and refused to give it back!!

The wild scene all happened off the shores of California on Monday when an otter plopped itself onto Nick Ericksen's ride as he was hittin' the waves.

Video shot by one of Ericksen's friends showed despite all of the surfer's efforts to displace the animal -- it wasn't budging.

The two then engaged in a standoff for several moments -- with the otter in absolutely no mood to get back in the water.

At one point, Ericksen managed to get the otter off the board for a few seconds -- but it climbed back on and, again, didn't want to leave.

Finally, another surfer came to the rescue ... and pulled the board away long enough for Ericksen to hop back on it.

The whole thing was pretty funny -- but also a little scary, 'cause the pissed-off otter followed the surfer for a while!!!

According to one of Ericksen's friends, the surfer had considered getting an otter tattoo recently, "but this may have changed his mind."

Kendrick Lamar's Mr. Morale and The Big Steppers tour is full of surprises -- just ask TikTok user @cjlove2670 ... who lost her phone during one of the shows, and just realized it now has exclusive Baby Keem content!!!

CJ took to TikTok to reveal Kendrick's Grammy-winning cousin claimed ownership of the device and filmed a couple of hilarious trolling videos before hitting the stage himself.

"N****, why the fuck you throw your phone on the homie's stage?" Keem teased from the side of the stage as the crowd revved up to Kid Cudi's "Pursuit of Happiness."

Following his apparent performance, Keem got comfy backstage and again taunted CJ ... noting the sounds of Chief Keef's "Faneto" being enjoyed by everyone in the crowd except the fan without the phone.

For her part, CJ claims she didn't throw her phone on stage but seemed glad to have it back ... however that happened.

King Charles isn't trying to get caught slipping again, after losing it over pen problems a couple times ... the monarch's practicing BYOP going forward, and looks damn proud of himself.

Charles and Queen Consort Camilla had the important duty of signing the visitors' book Friday in Llandaff Cathedral, and while the royal attendees gotta be on edge from the last time he whipped out a pen ... this time, King Charles got the job done with his own utensil.

Pretty hilarious, considering the inky situations he's had all week.

You'll recall, things got really sticky on Tuesday when the King attempted to hand sign a guest book at the royal residence of Hillsborough Castle in Northern Ireland ... and the pen leaked all over his hand.

KC3 threw a tantrum and stormed off muttering "this bloody thing" ... leaving Queen Camilla to sign for him.

That leak came on the heels of another meltdown ... days before he came across a pen box on his desk while trying to sign a proclamation. He was not here for the box being in his way ... and motioned for an aide to quickly take it away. It's good to be the King, as they say.

Well, he's learned his lesson, and we gotta say ... Friday's signing was smooth and calm. No leaking ink, sweat or tears!

King Charles might be wearing the crown, but he's still dealing with problems that we commoners come across every day ... including pens that bleed like a hemophiliac.

The new British monarch was on hand for a signing ceremony at the royal residence of Hillsborough Castle in Northern Ireland Tuesday ... where he and Queen Consort Camilla were trying sign some sort of book.

KC3 was having trouble right off the bat ... forgetting it was September 13 and not the 12th as he was putting down his John Hancock. Camilla noted he'd screwed up earlier in the day as well. Just as Charles was pulling the pen back, it started leaking ink on his hand.

He was instantly frustrated, saying he hated the pen ... going on to angrily call it "this bloody thing" as he pawned it off to Camilla, who also noted it was going everywhere before Royal aides came to her rescue.

The King, meanwhile, stormed out ... still pissed over the writing instrument, grumbling to himself that this happens "every stinking time." It's pretty hilarious, just 'cause Charles is usually buttoned up in public. Seems this desk cam caught him in a moment of candor.

BTW, it seems pens and pen paraphernalia might be Charles' kryptonite -- the guy also had a minor meltdown earlier over the weekend when he came across a pen box on his desk as he was attempting to sign a proclamation making him the new top dog ... kind of a big deal.

As he was taking a seat, he frantically motioned for an aide to get all the pen crap out of his way ... and it was all quickly whisked away so he could get to business.