Humor

Roseanne Barr is throwing in the towel and leaving the U.S.

Barr appeared on Rabbi Shmuley's podcast and said she's headed for Israel ... first she says for a few months to study, but then she talks about a full-on move -- "I have an opportunity to go to Israel for a few months and study with my favorite teachers over there, and that's where I'm going to go and probably move somewhere there and study with my favorite teachers."

Barr says she made a "fatal mistake" -- apologizing for her racist comment about former Obama aide Valerie Jarrett. She says when the left gets hold of an apology from someone on the other side of the political spectrum they don't let it go and eventually destroy their adversary.

Barr, who is a deeply religious Jew, goes on to say, "I have some mental health issues and depression and stuff. I got to stay in the middle or I'll go dark and I don't want to go dark again."

John Goodman just said Roseanne's gonna be killed off at the beginning of the reboot, "The Conners."

Dave Chappelle says John McCain is a symbol of national unity when our country needs it most, so he paid the late Senator his respects ... and gives props to his robot dance.

We got the famed comedian on Capitol Hill Friday after he visited McCain's casket at the U.S. Capitol. Chappelle tells us he was inspired to do so after he saw a video Jamie Foxx shared on his IG this week dancing with the Navy veteran onstage at an Apollo Theater charity event.

Foxx captioned the vid, "This is another reason why senator John McCain is so loved... he made u feel like politics and being a cool human being lived separately... he shined on em that night ... and that robot move was mean! R.I.P. you are a HERO!"

Seems like Chappelle totally agrees.

Before Louis C.K. shocked an NYC audience with his return to stand-up, he warmed up off the beaten path by crashing a Long Island comedy club where he got a standing O ... and TMZ got photos from the gig.

The disgraced comedian hit the stage last Sunday at Governor’s of Levittown out on Long Island. Club owner James Dolce tells us Louis did about 10 to 15 minutes of material ... but no one, including Dolce, had any clue C.K. was dropping in for the set.

In the photos from the Governor's gig, you can see Louis whipped a notepad out of his pocket ... clearly refreshing himself on the new material he was trying out that night.

This set came just a few hours before Louis drove into NYC to surprise the crowd at the famed Comedy Cellar in Greenwich Village. While there's been much debate about whether it's too soon for him to return after admitting to sexual misconduct last November -- Dolce says it was clear how the audience felt at his club.

They loved it. Some fans even waited for photos after the show, but Louis had bolted for the Big Apple.

Martin Luther King Jr.'s niece says her uncle might've actually gotten a kick out of Cardi B's 'Housewives of the Civil Rights Movement' skit, but the real-life iconic women wouldn't be laughing.

We talked to Alveda King -- whose father was Dr. King's brother -- and while she realizes the bit was all in good fun, she says it's important people know that's all it is. Alveda says Coretta Scott King and the other Civil Rights 'housewives' didn't talk like that, and never would.

Alveda seems to be fine with people laughing, as long as they don't take it seriously in a historical context. She adds, it'd be a "disgrace" if young people watching think these brave women acted this way behind closed doors.

Like we told you ... Bernice King called Cardi's take on her mother "repulsive," but then later said Cardi had reached out and apologized. Bernice's older bro, Martin Luther King III, also expressed his hatred for Cardi's portrayal and the fact it came out on the 55th anniversary of his father's "I Have a Dream" speech.

Peyton Manning says he really DIDN'T want to fire footballs at kids' faces during his famous 2007 "Saturday Night Live" skit -- but changed his mind when a parent begged him to peg his kid.

The sketch is pretty famous -- Peyton was spoofing his United Way ads by teaching kids how to get tattoos, steal cars and play real, hardcore park football.

But, a key part of the skit featured Peyton nailing kids in the face with footballs -- HARD -- and the QB says he was so nervous about tagging the youngsters, he almost quit the bit.

Peyton told the story at the 2018 Indianapolis Colts kickoff lunch on Wednesday -- saying he didn't feel comfortable with the scene at the time and told producers he wanted to shut it down.

But, right before they called it off, one of the parents of the child actors approached Peyton and the director and said, "I want him to hit my kid in the face!"

So, Peyton -- being a people pleaser -- said, "I will do it. I will knock your kid out."

And the rest is history ... hilarious, hilarious history.

Louis C.K. did NOT tread lightly in his first stand-up gig since admitting his sexual misconduct, because he reportedly cracked a joke about rape whistles.

Remember, C.K. copped to dropping his pants and masturbating in front of women ... and even coercing them into keeping silent about it. So, at least 2 female audience members at the Comedy Cellar in NYC were shocked to hear him start a bit about the phrase "clean as a whistle."

The women told Vulture C.K. worked up to a joke about rape whistles NOT being clean, and they say it was very well received -- "people were laughing, and I was just sitting there like, oh my f**k."

They were uncomfortable and depressed that C.K.'s joke had killed ... especially considering the things he's admitted doing.

Louis C.K.'s surprise return to stand-up -- to the delight of some and dismay of others -- has full support from some very important people in the comedy world ... the guys running the clubs.

TMZ's learned several comedy hot spots in NYC would gladly welcome Louis back, despite his fall from grace last year after he copped to sexual misconduct.

Louis Faranda, talent exec of Carolines on Broadway, tells us ... the comedian is like a son to him -- they personally go back to the beginning of C.K.'s career -- and he's a longtime friend of the club.

Faranda adds ... "We all make bad mistakes in life and everyone deserves the right to be forgiven ... I totally understand the plight of the women he offended, [but] I also love Louie C.K. and CANNOT turn my back to him ever!!"

Likewise -- Al Martin, owner of Broadway Comedy Club and Greenwich Village Comedy Club, says ... "Everyone is entitled to a second chance. I would book Louis." C.K. has performed at his clubs in the past.

Bill Boggs, officer of the Friars Club, tells us it would also have Louis back. Boggs says, "We were repulsed by his actions and there’s no question about that," but he gives C.K. the benefit of the doubt that he's learned from his mistakes. "We can't punish people for the rest of their lives; we can't assume they haven't learned. People can grow and change."

These clubs are not alone. We broke the story ... fellow comedians like Marlon Wayans are glad Louis is back onstage, with Marlon telling us he feels C.K. did his time in "comedy jail."

Other comedians, though -- like Melinda Hill -- feel C.K. needs to fully apologize and make amends for his wrongdoing before he returns to the mic. Melinda says Louis is "spearheading the #MeTooSoon movement."

C.K. showed up unannounced at the Comedy Cellar in Manhattan Sunday night and did a surprise set ... after going MIA for about 9 months following a public admission of using his power to masturbate in front of women without their consent.

Marlon Wayans has a simple response to Louis C.K. easing back into the comedy scene after admitting to sexual misconduct less than a year ago ... good.

The "Naked" star and comedian was hangin' outside Madeo Tuesday night when our photog asked what seems to have been on mostly everyone's minds this week, especially in the stand-up world ... was it too soon for Louis to come back? Marlon doesn't think so.

He believes there's such a thing as "comedy jail" -- when funny people go astray. Some comedians have to do time in the joint -- some for life, others for less ... all depending on the offensive offense.

Marlon also mentions something that another comedian, Melinda Hill, told us -- that comics need to get onstage so they can work out their demons.

Louis C.K. has every right to return to stand-up comedy, with one major caveat ... something that was missing from his surprise set in NYC ... according to a fellow comedian.

Melinda Hill's response to Louis' Sunday night appearance included #MeTooSoon ... and the hashtag has caught fire during the debate about the disgraced comedian. Still, Melinda tells us she's actually not against C.K. getting back onstage.

She even understands his desire to perform again, but believes he needs to do more penance before peers and fans fully accept him back into the fold.

Melinda says Louis' statement -- admitting the sexual misconduct allegations were true -- was missing a simple, "I'm sorry." He reportedly did not say those words Sunday night at the Comedy Cellar, either -- and she says she wants to hear that first.

51-year-old Seattle Mariners manager Scott Servais made a bet with his star pitcher Edwin Diaz -- get 50 saves and I'll swap out my dad hair for your flashy designer fade.

Diaz got the job done on Saturday -- so, Scott got the chop ... and it's all on video.

Diaz and Servais made the bet way earlier this year -- and as Diaz caught fire, it became clear Servais was gonna have to walk the walk or be forever mocked as a chicken.

Well, guess what ... just 3 days after Diaz notched save #50 against the Diamondbacks -- Servais found himself a barber, got in the chair and held up his end of the bargain.

End result? IT LOOKS GOOOOOD!!!!!!

Cardi B meant no offense to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. when she played his wife in a comedy skit ... according to comedian Rip Micheals, who wrote and produced it.

Rip tells us he's seen the backlash against Cardi for the 'Real Housewives of the Civil Rights Movement' bit -- and he feels it's unfair for a couple reasons.

First, he says he and his team of writers -- not Cardi -- came up with the material, which includes several jokes about MLK's infidelity. He also thinks it's wrong for critics to go after Cardi because she's not black. Rip points out King wanted equal rights for ALL people.

As for his MLK's family being offended, in particular his daughter, Bernice King, Rip's apologizing and says that simply wasn't his intent.

1:33 PM PT -- Martin Luther King III, Dr. King's eldest son, tells us he's upset about the timing of the skit's release -- on the "I Have a Dream" anniversary -- and because it distracts from several more important issues. He also says Cardi missed the mark on his mother.

11:08 AM PT -- It seems Cardi B was quick on the uptake, because Bernice King just tweeted that Cardi B has already reached out to her.

9:30 AM PT -- Dr. Bernice King -- the youngest child of Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King -- has responded to Cardi's portrayal of her mother, calling it "repulsive" and "false" ... and very, very badly timed. Tuesday is the 55th anniversary of MLK's March on Washington where he delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech.

Bernice says Cardi is using a platform that her parents made possible in an atrocious way. She wants to talk to Cardi face-to-face.

Cardi B playing Coretta Scott King will be the most unforgettable and hilarious thing you see today -- it will also be the most inappropriate. Guaranteed.

Cardi stepped into the role of Martin Luther King Jr.'s late wife for a skit called "Real Housewives of the Civil Rights Movement." Yes, she went there ... spilling tea with Rosa Parks and the wives of Malcolm X and Jesse Jackson. There's also a jaw-dropping "Iggy Azalea" sighting.

You gotta watch, but fair warning ... there are multiple references to MLK's infamous infidelities, and even the trip to Memphis, where he was assassinated.

The sketch is part of "Wild 'N Out" star Rip Michaels' new show, "Off the Rip." As we told you, it also features Cardi delivering "Ho Etiquette" jokes that some call racist.

Look, it ain't gonna win an NAACP Image Award, but where else ya gonna see Cardi/Coretta drop the line ... "All these hussies wanna sleep with my huuusband!"?

Justin Verlander's World Series ring nearly came with a $1 MILLION price tag ... 'cause an L.A. restaurant (jokingly) hit him with a HUGE "Dodger Killer" fee!!

The Astros ace -- who crushed L.A. in the World Series last year -- was dining at The Cabana Cafe in Bev Hills when, to his surprise, THE BILL CAME OUT TO OVER A MILLION DOLLARS!!

As Verlander read over the receipt, though ... it became clear to him, he just got punk'd.

"Beverly Hills Hotel really making me pay for that World Series win 😂😂," Verlander said of the massive charge.

"Thanks for the great lunch as always!"

As for why Verlander's grubbin' in L.A. this weekend ... he's in town for a series with the Angels.

So, rest easy, Dodgers fans ... for now.

If you're wondering how Kendall Jenner gets her kicks ... well, we just might have your answer.

Kendall channels her inner Bruce Lee as she karate kicks an empty glass bottle off the top of a friend's head ... talk about flexibility!!!

The ninja move went down Thursday night on the beaches of Los Angeles ... and you have to give dude props for standing tall and letting Kendall take a crack at his head.

Kendall gets mobbed by her pals after pulling off the daring move ... 'cause it's all fun and games when no one gets kicked in the face!!!

Looks like Kendall might have a future in kung fu movies.

Jon Stewart came to the rescue of two stray goats found roaming the subway tracks of New York City this week by giving them a home at his animal rescue operation ... no joke!

The former 'Daily Show' host posted a video of himself Monday helping load up the sidetracked livestock, which were spotted by a train operator along the N line in Brooklyn. Cops were called and officers were able to safely tranquilize the animals to remove them.

No word on where exactly these two billy goats gruff came from -- or where the third one might be -- but Stewart stepped in to offer them a place to stay -- his Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, NY, which he owns with his wife. He also saved a runaway cow a couple years back.

Matt Barnes just hit Mario Chalmers with an epic diss ... telling the ex-Miami Heat star he straight-up has MOOBS!!

It all went down in the comments section of Chalmers' latest IG post -- an innocent pic of a shirtless Mario announcing he's about to have a baby with his girlfriend, Paijey Baby. She's 7 and a half months preggo!

Barnes -- who played with Mario in Memphis in the 2015-16 season -- was one of the first to see it ... and decided to celebrate with a friendly body shaming zing.

"Congrats bro! I see you carrying the milk for her," the ex-NBA star wrote.

Barnes went on to hit Mario with a "jk" and some playful emojis.

FYI ... Mario's been steadily taking Ls of this nature throughout his career -- with even Barack Obama getting in on the act at the White House in 2014!!