Humor

Sen. Ted Cruz is ready to play some tight D on Jimmy Kimmel in a one-on-one basketball game -- and vows there's no chance the late-night host will throw down a dunk in his face.

The senator and late-night host are squaring up on June 16 for what might be the most random hoops matchup ever -- but Cruz was in trash-talking mode Thursday on Capitol Hill. He says he played ball in high school, admittedly not very well ... but thinks he's got enough skills to take down Jimmy.

We're guessing Cruz is engaging in a psych-out here ... just trying to get in Kimmel's head. He's a politician after all. It's kinda what they do.

From what Cruz told us, sounds like he's already been training. They've got high stakes in the game, and some ridiculous ground rules ... courtesy of Kimmel.

D.L. Hughley isn't giving President Trump an ounce of credit for letting Alice Johnson out of prison, 'cause he says it amounts to nothing more than sleight of hand.

We got the comedian leaving Mastro's in Bev Hills Wednesday night, and he says Trump commuting Johnson's sentence is essentially a Three-card Monte game ... all trick, no real results.

D.L. thinks Alice and her champion, Kim Kardashian, were simply a good photo op -- while Trump's still making other moves that fly in the face of real prison reform.

He might have a point about the big picture, but for her part ... Alice has expressed nothing but gratitude to Kim and Prez Trump since her release yesterday.

What did Lakers player Josh Hart tell his teammate, Lonzo Ball, when he caught him listening to his OWN rap music in the gym???

"TURN THAT SH*T OFF!"

It's actually pretty hilarious ... Hart could hear the ZO2 joint, "Gotta Get It," bumping from across the Lakers facility on Wednesday and decided to shame his pal on social media.

When the camera focused on Lonzo, he started dancing ... hard.

Henry Winkler was fired up about Miss America right before he went to cast his ballot in the California primaries ... and ended up having even more reason to get ticked off.

We got the Fonz Tuesday as he was leaving e. Baldi in Bev Hills, and asked what he thought of the famed competition doing away with its swimsuit portion. He built up a lot of hype ... only to tell us how he really feels -- and the truth is, he had bigger fish to fry.

Moments after this clip, Henry got some bad news.

Turns out he was among the nearly 120,000 L.A. County residents whose names were left off the voter rolls at their polling place.

Teammates who buy dongs together ...

Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott decided to take their guys trip to Florida to the next level -- by buying a bunch of penis squirt guns ... and rocking them to the nightclub!

Here's what happened ... the Dallas Cowboys stars rolled into Shorty's Market in Key West, Florida on Friday night -- along with several Cowboys offensive linemen -- and decided to arm the group with some water wieners.

We spoke with store employees who tell us the guys were super nice and made the purchase as a joke while they were bar hopping.

Witnesses say the crew ended up at Rick's Bar ... where Zeke was seen holstering his penis in a black fanny pack, with the barrel dangerously pointed up.

We're told the guys had a great time ... and no one got in any trouble ... and, if you're interested, Shorty's says they've got plenty more guns available for $14.99 a pop!

The guy who got mistaken for Odell Beckham in a Tennessee airport last week says he loves to mess with people who mistake him for the real OBJ -- but there's one line he won't cross ... the vagina.

Meet Jamal Carter ... aka NOdell Beckham, aka FauxBJ ... who tells TMZ Sports he gets mixed up for the NYG wide out ALL THE TIME (especially by drunk people).

In real life, Carter is a recent college grad and current HS hoops coach from Tennessee -- but people mistake him for Beckham so often, he leans into it sometimes.

The perks? Sometimes he gets free drinks and people ask for his picture.

We asked if he ever pretends to be Odell to nail cleat chasers who don't realize he's not the NFL player ... and that's when Carter got serious and told us he absolutely has not and will not go there.

"I'm not gonna take advantage of anybody like that."

Carter does have a GREAT story about the time he tried to score a free meal while pretending to be Odell ... but it backfired spectacularly.

Iran's dictator went off on Israel by calling it a "malignant cancerous tumor" ... but Israel took the pop culture route and responded with an EPIC "Mean Girls" GIF.

A Twitter account believed to belong to the Ayatollah tweeted to its nearly 500k followers, saying Iran's stance against Israel is the same as always. The Ayatollah spewed a bunch of political stuff -- we'll spare you the details -- but what caught our attention was the Embassy of Israel's official Twitter account clapping back.

BURRRRRRRRN!!! Dialing up the classic 2004 chick flick for the clapback heard 'round the world? Not something you see everyday. Politics. Gotta love it.

The Ayatollah doesn't have many fans in Hollywood. As we reported ... "Shahs of Sunset" star Reza Farahan wished death to the Iranian dictator and his family last month after the reality star shockingly said he agreed with Trump's decision to pull out of the Iranian nuclear deal.

Odell Beckham made 3 football fans LOSE THEIR MINDS when he took the time out of his day for a quick pic at the airport ... but there is one very minor problem here.

THAT'S NOT THE REAL ODELL -- IT'S A LOOK-ALIKE (aka FauxBJ ... or NOdell Beckham Jr.).

We're told the Beck-alike didn't exactly stop the fans from thinking he was the real #13 -- and totally played along when he was stopped at Nashville International Airport on Tuesday.

We're told the fans even asked FauxBJ whether he'd continue to play with the Giants or try to play for a new team this season, to which he replied "I plead the 5th."

Pretty hilarious actually ... hope he got an upgrade on the plane!!!

Cedric the Entertainer has a theory on why it SEEMED (keyword: seemed) Tracy Morgan was hating on Tiffany Haddish ... so hear him out.

We got Cedric at LAX on Friday and he went to bat for his buddy and fellow 'Last O.G.' costar, Tracy ... who is taking some heat -- particularly from Lil Rel -- for appearing jealous as hell of Tiffany during an appearance on 'Vulture Spot' last week. ICYMI ... Tracy was asked what it's been like watching Tiff's career take off.

Tracy responded, "We're not gonna go there ... because this isn't Tiffany's show. This is Tracy Morgan."

Cedric chalked it up to exhaustion -- rounds and rounds of interviews. Cedric takes it a step further and says Tiffany can relate.

And it's true ... Tracy eventually shows some love to Tiffany and the rest of the cast and crew towards the end of the clip.

Nick Saban finally took a major L.

The Alabama football coach took some of his players on a boat trip in Lake Tuscaloosa for some team bonding on Thursday ... which sounds like a perfectly great time, except for one minor detail:

Somebody forgot to fill the gas tank!!

Thankfully, national championship hero Tua Tagovailoa documented the players' hilarious reactions when they realized they were stuck ... while Saban appears to make a call for help.

But don't get too excited, Auburn fans ... the guys made it back to dry land.

Lil Rel feels Tracy Morgan disrespected and "hated" on Tiffany Haddish during a recent interview -- and says Tracy's show, "The Last O.G.," would be irrelevant without her!!!

Rel -- who starred on "The Carmichael Show" with Haddish -- is responding to Morgan's appearance on 'Vulture Spot' last week when he was asked if it's been cool watching Tiffany's career blow up!

Softball question, right? Wrong.

"We're not gonna go there," Morgan said ... "because this isn't Tiffany's show. This is Tracy Morgan. This is 'The Last O.G.'"

He continued, "You gonna ask that about Tiffany, ask that about Cedric [the Entertainer] and ask that about craft services."

Morgan says he was trying to make the point he didn't want to "just shine a light on Tiffany."

But, Rel ain't havin' it and went off on Morgan on Twitter, saying, "This is one hating ass dude right here."

"That show would be nothing if @TiffanyHaddish wasn’t on it... Don’t bite the hand that keeps you relevant!!!"

We should note Rel only posted a portion of the 'Vulture' interview -- but we found the expanded version in which Morgan tries to do some damage control saying ... he "loves" Tiffany and considers all of the actors on his show to be a family.

Chris Rock gave a ridiculously funny intro for Kanye West as the rapper premiered his new album Thursday night in Wyoming.

Rock addressed the hundreds of Kanye fans at Diamond Cross Ranch and hit both some humorous and serious points. The comedian stressed the importance of rap -- saying it was the first form of art created by freed black men.

6/1/18 5:10 PM PT -- It looks like the puppet wars are over -- Sesame Street just dismissed its lawsuit against producers of "The Happytime Murders" ... according to new legal docs.

Melissa McCarthy and her cast of raunchy puppets are free to keep using their "Sesame Street"-inspired tagline -- 'cause a judge says the 2 ideas are clearly not the same thing.

A judge in NYC handed down a ruling Wedenesday in favor of STX Productions -- which is producing McCarthy's "The Happytime Murders" -- saying the film's catchphrase, "No Sesame. All Street.," makes a blatant distinction to fans that this is NOT "Sesame Street."

As we reported ... Sesame Workshop is suing STX for allegedly infringing on their company name, and trashing their kid-friendly reputation with a not-so-kid-friendly flick.

Lawyers for "Sesame Street" reportedly tried saying that an older court case about a 1970s porn movie named "Debbie Does Dallas" being found to infringe on the Dallas Cowboys' good name supported their argument now ... but the judge shot that down, saying that flick's X-rated ... this one's R ... and there's a difference.

STX issued a statement through their pupper lawyer, Fred, Esq., saying ... "We fluffing love Sesame Street and we're obviously very pleased that the ruling reinforced what STX's intention was from the very beginning — to honor the heritage of The Jim Henson Company's previous award-winning creations while drawing a clear distinction between any Muppets or Sesame Street characters and the new world Brian Henson and team created."

Long story short ... ejaculating puppets walked away with a win on the street.

Calum Von Moger took the WFF Mr. Universe title in 2015, and doesn't look like he's skipped chest day once since taking the crown -- but he was still put to the test by TMZ.

We got Calum Wednesday in Calabasas, where he was shirtless and on crutches. He explained both. We also asked if he can do that pec dance thing -- ya know, flexing to make 'em bounce. Of course Calum can, but the real shocker ... so can our camera guy.

So the stage was set -- in a mall parking lot -- for a good ol' fashioned pec-off!

BTW, Calum's story behind the crutches is pretty freaky. He also shouts out bodybuilding legend Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom he recently played in "Bigger" ... a movie about Ben and Joe Weider.

The woman who threw a glass of water at Tomi Lahren will not face criminal charges, and she actually has Tomi to thank for that ... partly.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... the act of tossing water at Tomi is not harmful enough for cops to bring charges or open an investigation on their own. We're told Tomi herself -- or her mom, who was also hit with water -- would need to file a police report.

Sources close to Tomi tell us that's not going to happen ... so no charges will be coming.

As we reported ... the conservative Fox News contributor was having brunch with her mother at a Minneapolis bar last weekend when a woman chucked the water at her unprovoked.

The incident led President Trump to tweet out vocal support for Tomi, saying everybody is with her.

Soccer legend Brandi Chastain's Hall of Fame plaque left a lot to be desired, but luckily ... Arby's came to the rescue!

The fast food sandwich chain went out and found a sauce artist that did a much, much better job capturing the former Team USA star's likeness, saying ... "it’s not made of gold, but we think you look much better in Arby’s Sauce."

We strongly agree.

As we reported ... Chastain was honored with a plaque at the San Francisco Bay Area Sports Hall of Fame induction Monday, but it was pretty horribly done -- people said it looked more like Babe Ruth or Mickey Rooney than her.