Humor

The Kardashians can get you kicked out of a bar if you say the magic words.

The Continental bar in NYC posted a sign inside the joint ... notifying patrons they have 5 minutes to finish their drinks and leave if they dare use the words, "I literally."

The owner is on a crusade to save the English language, grousing, "This is the most overused, annoying word in the English language and we will not tolerate it. STOP KARDASHIANISM NOW!"

Christina Aguilera can't be bothered to use her 2 feet when she has 4 perfectly good wheels to get her around ... even if she's only going just 200 feet or so.

Christina made the rounds in WeHo Wednesday night, hitting up at least 3 places with her entourage. The last 2 were The Roger Room and The Nice Guy ... hot spots that are practically next door to each other.

Well, the 'Voice' coach took a pass on strutting the 272 feet between the establishments ... 'cause that's what normies do. Instead, Christina made the journey in Christina-Freaking-Aguilera style.

Diva's gotta diva. Also ... sweet beret!

Bill Cosby is back to doing stand-up (or sit-down) for the first time since his sexual assault trial last summer ... and his crowd and venue has certainly changed.

Cosby's performed a live comedy set Monday at the LaRose Jazz Club in Philly alongside the Tony Williams Jazz Quartet. Most of Cosby's material focused on the comedian's struggle with blindness ... he didn't touch his pending trial.

The disgraced comedian's retrial on sexual assault charges is set to begin in April, and a new jury selection begins at the end of March. He averted a decision this past June when a jury couldn't agree on a verdict ... ending in a mistrial.

Harvey Weinstein won't be parodied by the porn industry because the allegations made against him are just too nasty.

We talked to a bunch of porn execs who tell us straight-up ... they feel Harvey's alleged conduct was disgusting ... so he won't get the Tiger Woods' spoof treatment .

WoodRocket is the premiere porn spoof company. They've done a ton, including "Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles." WoodRocket producer Lee Roy Myers tells us, "WoodRocket.com" would never do a parody of somebody or something that hurt people."

As we've reported ... scores of women have accused Harvey of sexual misconduct, harassment or rape. That's all the reason porn execs needed to nix a Weinstein parody.

SNL took aim at Donald Trump and fired.

Weekend Update hit the Prez hard on the government shutdown, but the Stormy Daniels commentary was hilarious.

Michael Che mused that Trump's comment to Stormy that he was afraid of sharks was understandable, because he has the body of a seal.

And check out Cecily Strong as Stormy herself. Super funny.

Chael Sonnen strolled in to the TMZ newsroom ...

With a poem to make everyone look like buffoons.

No, not us, his Bellator competition ...

Who he says he'll knock out, what a shocking admission!

That's right, Chael says he'll put Rampage to sleep ...

Putting Jackson's lights out, leaving him in a heap.

Sonnen's not scared of the others either, you see ...

The heavyweights in his tourney are kinda crappy, says he.

Russia's Fedor couldn't win if Putin came through with a tank ...

And Roy Nelson's too fat, you can take that to the bank.

So when Chael sweeps the field and out-fights 'em all ...

Mo'Nique claims Netflix severely short-changed her during negotiations for a comedy special ... and she says the proof is in how much some other comedians got paid for specials.

The Oscar winner told us Friday ... Netflix offered her $500k, but she rejected the offer in light of the fact Amy Schumer, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock pocketed eight figures. Mo'Nique's not just walking away from the table though ... she's now calling for a boycott of Netflix.

She strongly believes this is case of racism and sexism -- especially because she'd stack her resume in comedy up against anyone else.

Netflix says it does not comment on contract negotiations.

Draymond Green told Nick Young he needed to "expand [his] horizons" ... so he took his NBA teammate to see the play "Hamilton."

Yep ... it was bros' night out at the CIBC Theatre in Chicago (since the guys were in town after playing the Bulls).

Here's Kevin Hart clowning the Minnesota Vikings ... telling TMZ Sports there's a ZERO percent chance Case Keenum's purple crew beats up on the Eagles this weekend.

Full disclosure ... Hart's from Philadelphia. So, yeah ...

But Kev's pretty funny outside Catch in West Hollywood when we ask how he thinks the NFC Championship game will go down on Sunday.

Dave Chappelle's got a message for Olivia Munn, and anyone else offended by his jokes ... get over it.

Dave was out with his pal, John Mayer, Wednesday night -- hitting Craig's and Delilah in WeHo -- when we asked him about Olivia calling him "tone deaf" for his jokes about Louis C.K. and sexual harassment. If you missed it ... Dave said Louis' alleged victims had a "brittle spirit," among other things.

The comedian had a very direct and positive response for Olivia.

Despite the criticism over his latest Netflix stand-up specials, Dave was still swarmed by fans and paps at the end of the night. As he said, "I'm very famous."

Fun Fact: John, who toured with Dave, didn't say anything about Olivia's criticism -- but happens to have a pretty cool song about Olivia. Wilde though, not Munn.

Patton Oswalt's a proud papa, because his 8-year-old girl's following in his footsteps and making people laugh ... but she doesn't even know it yet!

We got the comedian and "A.P. Bio" star leaving Sick City Records on Sunset Wednesday, and had to ask about his daughter Alice's tale of "Fart land" ... a fictional place where "people who fart a lot get sent to."

Patton posted her fable online and it's blown up -- even receiving acclaim from The New Yorker -- but Oswalt says Alice is none the wiser because she's at school. Thankfully he's going to tell her soon ... because we're already awaiting the sequel.

Phil Murphy is officially New Jersey's next governor post-Chris Christie -- but, while he was taking his oath ... the guy's oldest kid was busy honoring "Malcolm in the Middle."

Phil's eldest son, Josh Murphy, flashed the OK sign below his waist for the tail end of his father's swearing-in Tuesday -- which means he was playing the infamous Circle Game.

In case you aren't familiar, the game was made famous by the hit 2000s show in which the characters prank each other by making someone look down at a circle formed below the belt ... which then gives 'em the right to punch the poor sap.

Privyet.

Welcome to "Grown Men on Horses Without Shirts" ... starring Floyd Mayweather.

Remind you of anyone? Us too ...

The boxing superstar saddled up for a topless ride on the beach (unclear which beach) -- while rockin' a pair of denim jorts and pink socks.

It's definitely a fashion statement -- just not sure what he's trying to say.

Tiffany Trump helped out a friend who wanted to get married in Vegas -- sans the romance -- so she picked up a basket baggie and started tossing petals.

In a video that's since been deleted, President Trump's second youngest kid was seen as one of the few people in attendance at A Little White Wedding Chapel Sunday for her pal Quentin Esme Brown's "shotgun" marriage to "NYC Prep" star PC Peterson. -- who, apparently, aren't romantically involved.

It's interesting that Tiffany didn't fill in as a bridesmaid -- guess the Trump name doesn't carry as much weight in Sin City as it does in D.C. right now.

Michael Blackson's taking his feud with Kevin Hart to another level ... by doubling down on jokes about Kevin's height and how he cheated on his pregnant wife.

The comedian skewered Hart during a portion of his stand-up set at The Wilbur Theatre in Boston Friday night, calling him a "midget with a regular ni**a's head" and a "punk bitch" ... among other insults.

Blackson also rips Kevin for essentially snitching on himself during his whole sex tape/extortion scandal.

Here's the backstory -- Blackson and Hart used to be friends, but Kevin took issue with Michael using his cheating fiasco as fodder for his comedy ... so he called him out during a 'Breakfast Club' interview by referring to Mike as "the Instagram model that just shows her ass and is looking for love."

Blackson took issue with that and vowed to keep blasting Hart, saying ... "when I'm done with you u will commit suicide by jumping off the curb you short f*ck."

Here's a video of Jacksonville Jaguars player Myles Jack stepping in dog crap last month in his Jordans, and visibly grieving about the entire experience.

The feces fiasco happened outside the Four Seasons hotel in Palo Alto (the Jags were in town to play the 49ers), and was captured by a fan waiting to get an autograph from Jack.

You see Myles step in the doo doo, check to make sure it is in fact doo doo (WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH IT, FAM), wipe off the doo doo then remove his shoe to stop the defecation debacle from getting worse.

Best part? Dude looks legit bummed at the fate of his Jordans ... it's pretty hilarious.