Humor

The words of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion came head-to-head with the word of the Lord on a city sidewalk -- and it sounds like the former might've beaten out the good book.

Check out this video of an older guy reading aloud from the Bible on a sidewalk, not too far from a masked young woman also reading from her phone, rattling off lyrics to "WAP." Try as he did, the gent got drowned out by the tune ... then again, the camera's further from him.

It's a funny scene though -- and a testament that blindly preaching to kids these days isn't a good way to reach 'em. Maybe reciting lyrics to Justin Bieber's "Baby" would've been more effective.

Speaking of, if you're wondering what sparked this ... it was a pro-choice rally that clashed with anti-abortion demonstrators, which seems to have gone on for at least 2 days. Both groups had signs touting their beliefs and were keeping a somewhat respectful distance away from each other. But, one secret weapon the young crowd had with them that the holy group didn't ... condoms!

A woman decked out in Trump 2020 gear unleashed a hateful, xenophobic attack at a counter-protester, but her efforts were blunted by some loose dentures.

It seems this all went down at some sort of Trump rally. The woman who says her name is Carla ... tells an Asian woman to go back to where her ancestors came from.

Problem is ... Carla's dentures keep falling out. She struggles in her verbal attack ... it's hard to keep a stiff upper lip when your chompers aren't secure.

Boy ... this tirade was so bad even her dentures wanted a quick escape.

Jerry Seinfeld has a thing or two to say to anyone who thinks the Big Apple is done for amid the coronavirus pandemic -- and it can be summed up in two words ... Shut. It.

The legendary comedian penned an op-ed for the NYT titled ... "So You Think New York Is ‘Dead’ (It's Not)," and he takes aim at a specific guy who wrote a LinkedIn article claiming exactly that, while also saying the city wouldn't bounce back amid a resident exodus.

Welp, Jerry believes otherwise in pretty strong terms, and even calls that author a "putz" who should stop waling and whining about the death of NYC. He writes, "Oh, shut up," while adding ... "Wipe your tears, wipe your butt and pull it together." Well said, JS!

You gotta read the editorial yourself, but basically ... Jerry makes the argument that New York (Manhattan especially) is resilient and that the abandoned streets won't last forever. He says there's a magic in that town that'll resurge, even if it comes back slightly different.

He also says the "work from home" trend will die out too eventually, 'cause it doesn't capture the same energy as when people are together. He thinks the same applies to NYC.

Now, Jerry isn't advocating for things to get back to normal just yet -- he's just telling true New Yorkers to tough it out and wait for the storm to pass ... because in his eyes, it will.

If there's anyone you should listen to on the topic of New York life, it's the Sein. Take heed.

Cardi B's not wet behind the ears when it comes to promoting herself, so it's no surprise she's selling "WAP" gear in a way that'll get everyone talking.

The rapper's online store is promoting a new merchandise line featuring the title of her sexually explicit hit track with Megan Thee Stallion, and it's um ... water-themed.

To make sure her fans don't get soaked, Cardi's got "WAP" umbrellas, rain ponchos, spandex sports bras and biker shorts for sale.

There's also "WAP" t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants and crop-top hoodies available ... and some of the attire features sexy shots of Cardi and Meg.

If you've been living under a rock, you might not know that the duo's hit track has been all the rage since the release of the music video -- which features a Kylie Jenner cameo -- earlier this month.

Here's Kevin Dillon trying to snap a photo with his smoking hot date -- but it was far from easy, and really exactly the sorta thing you'd expect from Johnny Drama!!!

Yeah, Kevin seemed to be slipping back into his "Entourage" character when he hit up Paradise Cove in Malibu the day after his 55th birthday. He spent A LOT of time and effort trying to get everything just right for some IG-worthy snaps with sexy singer Amy May.

As you can see ... Kevin and Amy tried a bunch of different poses on the beach, and he was definitely steering the selfie ship -- searching for just the right lighting, smile and angles.

This sort of display is usually reserved for IG models and influencers ... but then again, we're dealing with Johnny freakin' Drama here!!!

One you thing you probably won't see if these selfies ever get to Kevin's social media stamp of approval -- Amy standing on her tiptoes. You know Drama would love her calves!!!

No word if Kevin shouted "VICTORY" once he nailed the shot -- but he should have.

John Oliver took a bit of shot at a small town in Connecticut, and they just took one of their own in cheeky fashion ... naming a sewer plant after the talk show host.

Mayor Mark Boughton of Danbury, CT posted a video on his Facebook page this weekend responding to John's scathing rebuke of his city ... which the 'Last Week Tonight' host took aim at ... seemingly to poke fun at how kitschy and quaint it is.

John was talking about how different cities and states in the U.S. botch jury selection processes by virtually guaranteeing all-white jurors ... often screwing over people of color. He noted two racially diverse Connecticut jurisdictions often get skipped over for jury selection ... and then randomly launched into this hate bit on Danbury.

It was all in good fun, and it doesn't seem John has any real animosity against the town or its people. In our eyes, the Danbury tangent just served to lighten the mood.

Well, it appears the Mayor took it personally ... and literally went out of his way to respond, saying he would officially rename the city's sewer plant after JO himself. In his own words, Mayor Boughton says of the move, "Why??? Because it's full of s***. Just like you, John."

Sen. Tom Carper ain't afraid to drop an f-bomb or 3 when he can't get into Zoom -- like the rest of us -- but his technical issues happened on live TV. As he might put it ... f**king oops!!!

The Senator from Delaware was invited to take the virtual floor during Friday's USPS hearing. It was his turn to grill embattled Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, but he apparently had connectivity issues when Sen. Ron Johnson called on him.

Tom's response was direct and to the point -- "F***, f***, f***," he screamed while trying to get an aide to help. Seems the Senator didn't realize his audio was fully intact, even if his video wasn't at first.

The Senators ended up having a good laugh about it. Sen. Johnson joked they didn't want to be on TV again before Carper was finally able to join.

Sen. F-bomb's a good sport about his four-letter flubs. He tweeted a few things get him more fired up than protecting the USPS.

Former Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg knows how to generate buzz ... just ask the fly that swooped in on his big moment at the DNC, and stole the spotlight.

Bloomberg scored a prime spot at the Democratic National Convention Thursday night -- a 5-minute speech designed to go on the attack at President Trump, but someone forgot to tell the pesky housefly that landed on him.

Damn shame too ... 'cause just as MB was hitting his stride, calling out Trump for being a horrible businessman ... the Musca domestica (yeah, we know science) started buzzing around.

We'll say this ... the multi-billionaire kept his cool, lightly swatting at his podium partner while making it look like he was just gesturing with his hands. Smooth, Mike.

Really good at football. Really bad at singing!!!

That's how the Philadelphia Eagles players felt about rookie QB Jalen Hurts -- booing the guy off the stage during a performance at the team facility  ... and the footage is hilarious!!!

The former Oklahoma/Alabama star tried to best to perform Maze's 1981 hit, "Before I Let Go" on Tuesday -- but man, it did not work out!

Tone-deaf? Yes. Pitchy? Yes. Voice cracking during the song? Mmmhmmm.

And, since it's Philly, the crowd LET HIM HAVE IT -- booing the crap out of the guy ... with some players yelling, "Get the f**k outta here!"

Obviously, the whole thing is in good fun ... NFL rookies have been embarrassing themselves in team "talent" shows for decades. Never gets old.

Hurts had previously performed Al Green's "Love & Happiness" for the team last week --- no boo's there, though.

Joe Biden's crash course in Cardi B is complete, and now you can decide if he passed after their sit down covering race, healthcare and uhh ... that "big chunk of taxes" out of our checks!!!

It's almost a rite of passage -- for Democrat Presidential candidates, anyway -- a campaign chat with Cardi, this one for Elle, and she gave Joe an earful. He started out with flattery and then asked what's her main issue heading into the vote.

Welp ... Biden got more than 2 minutes of her issues -- including education, social justice and childcare -- complete with some okurrrrs! Seriously, Cardi's sound effects seemed to throw him off a bit (go to 3:55).

He's just lucky "W.A.P." didn't come up ... that woulda been a moment.

The fact the presumptive Democratic candidate spent 15+ minutes chatting with Cardi -- the day the Democratic National Convention opens -- makes it clear Biden's campaign sees the reach and influence she has. Remember, she also grilled Sen. Bernie Sanders ... so, she's becoming an important campaign stop.

As for Biden ... he and Cardi spent a lot of time talking about racial equality, but she also slipped in a jab about taxes. Y'know, she's famously gotten heated about where her tax dollars are going -- so pay attention to her final question.

Jesse James' monkey is hot and bothered by his neighbors -- breaking into their house and flaunting an erection!!! Teenagers.

Here's the deal ... Jesse's pet monkey, Tobi James, got loose, slipped into a neighbor's pad this week, and then things got super wild. Tobi ran around the house, knocking over cups of coffee, climbing up and down the stairs -- and, obviously, REALLY excited about it.

Yep, adolescent monkeys get boners too, and Tobi was sporting it his during his hijinks ... as you can see in this video.

Jesse's neighbor, Carrie, tells us Tobi barged in Tuesday around 8:30 AM, when she heard what sounded like someone trying to break in. She says she saw the door handle jiggling and got the creeps -- but still decided to slowly open the door.

When she did, the little critter dashed inside and started monkeying around. Yes, that's a euphemism for playing with himself ... all over the house!!!

Carrie smartly consulted a Facebook page for her town of Dripping Springs, TX -- and folks there told her Tobi belonged to Jesse, who came over to pick him up.

Carrie says Jesse was apologetic and explained Tobi is about 4 years old, which is like a teen in human years, and y'know what that means -- puberty and hormones. Jesse thinks that's why Tobi bolted from his house.

We're seeing a lot of cold showers in this monkey's future.

How did Gregg Popovich deal with his Spurs missing the NBA playoffs for the first time in 22 years? By mocking Donald Trump!

Pop's squad didn't exactly thrive in the NBA's bubble environment and played their last game of the 2020 season Thursday against the Utah Jazz. They lost and will now exit the bubble.

More importantly, it means Pop will miss the NBA playoffs for the first time in 22 seasons ... and when he was asked about his historic run coming to an end, he channeled his inner Trump.

"Who told [the media] that the streak ended?" Pop joked ... "That’s fake news!!"

"That’s total fake news. Lots of guys have been telling me the streak hasn't ended. I talk to people all the time, they call me, they tell me ‘Pop, the streak didn't end.'"

"It didn't. It didn't end. I don't know where you guys are getting this."

Pretty funny, right?! Unless you're a Trump supporter.

Of course, 71-year-old Popovich HATES Donald Trump and isn't quiet about it -- blasting #45 any chance he's gotten. He's referred to Trump as a "deranged idiot" and a "coward" in scathing comments at the height of the George Floyd protests back in June.

Trump's largely ignored the coach's criticism ... but could Thursday's impression finally be the one that gets Pop a tweet from the Pres?

He's hoopin' with Kevin Durant, playing football with Odell Beckham -- and getting tackled by Marshawn Lynch!

It's all in Drake's new music video for "Laugh Now Cry Later" ... which he dropped at midnight on Friday.

The video starts off at Nike World Headquarters in Oregon -- featuring Drake pulling up in a sick Mercedes.

After that, it was off to the basketball gym for some 1-on-1 with KD. Then to the field for some route running with OBJ.

They even recreate Odell's famous 1-handed grab.

The funniest part of the whole thing is when Marshawn comes out of nowhere to lay a big hit on Drake -- and then says, "Get the f*ck off the block -- f*ck's wrong with you?!!"

And, then he was out!

There's more ... Drake golfs, swings the baseball bat, hits the treadmill -- and even recreates that famous Muhammad Ali underwater video from back in the day.

The song knocks too -- and will be featured on his upcoming album, "Certified Lover Boy."

Sean Payton was hit with all the hard questions during a conference call with reporters on Wednesday ... and like a true pro, he had the answers to EVERYTHING -- even a pesky stain!!!

"Let me ask you a question," the reporter began -- not knowing everyone in the call could hear him -- "I spilled mustard on my suit..."

And, before the reporter was able to finish his thought -- or realize he wasn't muted -- the New Orleans Saints coach came through with some sound advice!!

"Generally with mustard, I'd use warm water," Payton said.

"I wanna use warm water, I don't wanna wipe it, I want to blot it and I want to treat it twice."

Of course, the embarrassed reporter quickly apologized for the hilarious blunder -- apologizing for having his mic on -- but Payton continued helping with his problem.

"You can't put it in the dryer on hot or it's going to be stained. If none of those things are working, seek outside help."

Donald Trump was not happy with Bill Maher's show last Friday night, and we're guessing it's because Maher delivered a blistering fake eulogy of 45.

Trump tweeted, "Watched @billmaher last week for the first time in a long time. He's totally SHOT, looks terrible, exhausted, gaunt and weak. If there was ever a good reason for no shutdown, check out this jerk. He never had much going for him, but whatever he did have is missing in action."

Well, check out why Trump's so upset. The eulogy was as brilliant as it was biting.

FACT ... Maher and co. have figured out how to do COVID shows better than anyone else in show biz. The show is shot from his backyard, but they've figured out a way to keep it super lively with hysterical, fake audience reactions, great transitions and super interesting convos.

Fans were really down to insert Viola Davis into Cardi B's new song -- even at the expense of Kylie Jenner -- and the actress was all about it ... CB was too.

Viola posted a couple different fan tributes that creatively embedded her into Cardi and Meg Thee Stallion's music video for "WAP" -- one of which swapped VD's face and body for Kylie's. Viola seemed to think it was funny -- she wrote, "Who did this?" and added emojis.

She posted another fan rendition, which spliced in a scene of "How to Get Away with Murder" ... seamlessly syncing up Viola dancing to the "WAP" beat in the background. Viola liked that one too, reposting it and adding flamenco emojis with the hashtag #HowToGetAwayWithWAP.

That last shout-out caught the attention of Cardi herself, who appeared pretty starstruck with the love Viola was showing. She retweeted Viola's post with the caption, "I'm so fan out right now ya don't even know." Looks like both ladies are pretty fond of each other. Who knew?!?

The video's taken off since it was released last week ... it's already got 59 million-plus views, and it's spurred meme after meme after meme, including the Viola one you see above. Like we told you, the purpose of the project was to showcase women empowerment and solidarity.