Humor

Nassau County chiefs want their residents to kick each other's balls if they must, but don't you dare go touching them ... tennis balls, that is. Hey, no giggling!

That was pretty much how it sounded when County Executive Laura Curran gave a rundown on how Nassau was going to navigate reopening tennis courts there, and what the new regulations would be when handling one another's balls. Again ... tennis balls.

In fact, you can tell Curran was trying her hardest to get the word "tennis" in there each and every time she mentioned "balls," but eventually she slipped ... and let a free ball run loose in her spiel, saying folks can kick other people's balls (back over to the owner if they happen to roll on over, is what she meant), but there is to be no touching of said balls!

That got a nice chuckle from the crowd who was listening, and finally ... Curran herself cracked up as well. She said she was gonna blush and again made another balls reference that got another giggle from just about everyone. Who says we outgrow sophomoric humor?!

This is the greatest balls moment since the 'SNL' classic ... of course, we're talking about Alec Baldwin's famous "Schweddy Balls" skit, where then too, it was balls galore.

Tiny tuxedos are wandering the halls of an art museum in Missouri, but it ain't a black-tie affair -- just a group of penguins on a field trip from the zoo. Naturally.

Ya gotta see the video ... a family of penguins is soaking in all The Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City has to offer, waddling through the empty halls and getting a taste of human culture.

The birds don't normally venture out of the Kansas City Zoo this way, but caretakers noticed they were going stir-crazy in quarantine -- so they surprised the penguins with the trip.

The museum is still closed to human visitors, but penguins have free reign ... apparently. They even practiced social distancing better than the average spring breaker.

Julián Zugazagoitia, the museum's executive director and CEO, says the penguins were moved by Carvaggio, but not so much by Monet. Every bird's a critic.

Remember ... biologist Jeff Corwin says captive animals and house pets in quarantine need active stimulation too.

Did Mercury coming out of retrograde cost Aaron Judge the rookie home run record?!?!

That's what Pete Alonso's saying ... admitting once the smallest planet in our solar system got back in line last summer -- his bat suddenly woke up from a weeks-long slump!!!

And, yeah ... the Mets superstar is DEAD serious about it!!!

"I saw something on Twitter," Pete said on "The Cookie Club" show this week, "I was in a rabbit hole one night after the game and it's like, 'Mercury is out of retrograde, and if you're born in a certain month, then it really affects you in a negative way and your performance at your job.'"

"And I'm like, 'Oh, Mercury's in retrograde!'" Pete added. "'It comes out of retrograde on this day, and I can't wait for that!' And, that day was probably like five days away."

Sure enough, Pete says as soon as that day hit on the calendar -- he went BERSERK at the plate ... and his teammates laughed their faces off over it all!!

"He came in the locker room screaming it," Mets stud Dominic Smith said. "'Mercury's out of retrograde!' And we're looking around like, 'What does that even mean?!'"

Smith added, "And, I was just like, 'Whatever, Pete's back!' And, I'm telling you, he went off! Like I couldn't believe it!"

FYI, Alonso used that game and about three dozen more following it to ultimately break Judge's rookie home run record ... finishing with 53 jacks in one season.

As for Alonso repeating that feat in 2020 ... he seems confident he's got the skills to do it -- although Mercury is set to go in retrograde from June 18 to July 12.

"Hang on one second!"

That's how NFL stud Tyler Eifert bolted from his online press conference to deal with his loose dogs Thursday ... and the video of the canine commotion is hilarious!!!

The new Jacksonville Jaguars tight end was having a virtual meet-and-greet grill sesh with NFL reporters ... when suddenly, his pups began wreaking havoc.

You can see in video of the newser, the dogs were barking up a storm ... and later, a neighbor yelled into his home, "Your dog was in my yard!!!"

That's when Eifert had to get up from the sitdown with reporters to go chase down his dogs -- and when he got back, the guy was straight-up out of breath!!!

"They're back," Eifert said. "And, I got in a little conditioning too!"

HILARIOUS!!!

Normally, we'd suggest a little timeout and no-treat treatment for the bad-behaving doggos ... but look at these faces -- HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY PUNISH THESE GUYS!!!

Rest easy everyone, quarantine is not changing Jason Momoa -- he's still ripped, still going shirtless and still making ya laugh your ass off.

"Aquaman" earned a bunch of drooling and LOL emojis by flaunting his bod while trying to teach his son, Nakao-Wolf, how to throw no-look tomahawks. Keyword: trying, cause it's pretty clear Jason's also letting his comedy chops fly, and wife Lisa Bonet, who appears to be filming, can't contain her laughter.

You can see in the video Jason hilariously giving his son some solid at advice on how to master the no-look method ... with one tiny warning, "Just make sure no one is walking in the way."

His blooper reel includes him throwing a series of tomahawks including one he's dubbed the Mohican 2000. Jason starts by staring into the camera but then keeps his eyes there as he launches the 'hawks. He advises, "It's all about arrogance" before badly missing on several of his throws.

But, the "Game of Thrones" star doesn't care cause even if it sounded like one hit the ground "it didn't cause I never saw."

Point is ... Momoa's comedy chops are still as sharp as they were in his Super Bowl commercial.

There's gotta be something this guy can't do -- we just haven't seen it yet.

Jerry Stiller -- the actor/comedian who famously played George Costanza's dad on "Seinfeld" -- has died.

Jerry was one of the most accomplished comedians of his time. Jerry and Anne Meara teamed up together to produce an incredibly popular husband/wife comedy duo, appearing on tons of TV shows. They also produced son Ben Stiller, who said his dad died from natural causes.

As they say ... yada, yada, yada, and then Jerry got a call from the folks over at "Seinfeld" to see if he wanted to play George Costanza's pop, Frank, and thankfully, Jerry said yes.

He was hysterical ... he hated that Jews couldn't really partake in XMAS festivities, so he invented Festivus, which he called "a holiday for the rest of us where you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year."

He actually didn't even appear in a "Seinfeld" episode until Season 5 -- the show went 9 seasons -- and was only on 30 of the 180 shows, but he made an indelible impression, inventing products like bras for men.

Jerry did not sit back and revel in his success after "Seinfeld" wrapped in 1998.  A few months later he was back on TV, this time playing a slightly more subdued version of Frank on "The King of Queens," where he took on the fatherly role of Arthur Spooner.

The show was a huge hit and Jerry was there for all 9 seasons and appeared in nearly 200 episodes. The show's run ended in 2007.

Jerry's acting career spanned more 50 years ... his first TV appearance was way back in 1956, when he played Hugh in "Studio One in Hollywood."

Jerry, of course, also appeared in several movies with Ben ... including "Zoolander," "The Heartbreak Kid," "Heavy Weights" and "Hot Pursuit."

Anne Meara, Jerry's wife of more than 60 years -- died at the age of 85.

Ben also played opposite his mom -- she co-starred with him in the 2006 flick, "Night at the Museum."

Jerry and Anne had 2 kids ... Ben and Amy. She's also an actress who has also appeared in small roles alongside her famous father.

Ben said, "He was a great dad and grandfather, and the most dedicated husband to Anne for 62 years. He will be greatly missed. Love you Dad."

Jerry was 92.

RIP

Eddie Murphy has a brand new character to add to his comedic arsenal -- a singer he rolled out for big laughs, and to raise money for charity.

If you tuned in for the Feeding America Comedy Festival Sunday night, you saw Eddie's debut as Murray Murray -- a '60s and '70s singer who taught Ray Charles and Little Richard a few things ... but who also took out a hit on Berry Gordy's cat.

Eddie was the headliner on Byron Allen's 2-hour special, chock-full of huge comedians like Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Tiffany Haddish, George Lopez, Whitney Cummings and dozens more who recorded skits and intros for the fundraiser.

Eddie was in classic form as Murray Murray who, BTW, banged Diana Ross, Gladys Knight and Tina Turner. The skit was one of the hilarious highlights for the event which raised money for Feeding America.

Fans have been anticipating Eddie's rumored return to standup comedy ever since he hosted 'SNL' back in December. So, the new skit's only gonna have Eddie fans champing at the bit even more.

His Murray Murray skit was obviously written and recorded before Saturday ... when Little Richard died. Eddie closed it with a tribute to the rock 'n' roll legend.

The more the merrier is the attitude this trio of grandkids had when their quarantine Mother's Day gift for meemaw brought out other old folks, who wanted some of the love.

Check out this sweet video of a group of young-ins who went to their grandma's living facility and delivered a song and dance for her from outside, while she safely watched from her balcony. Definitely considerate -- especially seeing how seniors are incredibly vulnerable.

Welp, the "Say Anything" moment evolved into a mini get-together via other residents of the old folks home. At least 2 other women came out onto their balconies as well and enjoyed a little bit of "You Are My Sunshine" for themselves. Mother's Day vultures??? Eh, maybe.

The person who shot this video says several women came out, apparently thinking the serenade might've been their own gift. They write, "Today we went to visit my grandma at her independent living facility and 4 other women came out thinking we were there for them. They all loved it. And so did we."

The feathers were flying in Canada when a rogue goose took its frustrations out on an unsuspecting customer, and the video is .... well, hilarious.

You wouldn't think a goose is that aggressive, or at least most people wouldn't, but this goose was out for bear as shopper exited a store and walked to the parking lot waiting for her ride to roll up.

That's when she noticed a goose was on the loose, but who'd think it would go after her.  Well, it did ... repeatedly, as her ride approached.

The shopper runs around the car as the goose gives chase!!! She jettisons the bag and hops inside the car ... but guess who follows her in?

The driver is blindsided as the feathers fly and then jumps out of the car and falls on the pavement. The shopper somehow gets the goose out of the vehicle.

The season 45 finale of 'SNL' was laugh-out-loud hysterical, thanks to one of the funniest Donald Trump skits ever.

Alec Baldwin reprised his faux-presidential role for the open of the show ... which began with a zoom graduation ceremony, where solicitations to the Obamas, murder hornets and others for keynote speaker were rejected ... but one person was happy to step in -- the Prez.

He provided "inspiration" to the grads by telling them there were many job opportunities available to them, like grocery store bouncer, camgirl, porch pirate ... you get the pic.

But then ... Trump was thirsty for more than compliments, and you gotta see what Baldwin does ... it's hilarious.

At the end of his speech, all but one graduate has fled zoom ... which then triggered "Trump" to say, "Wow, this crowd has thinned out faster than Adele."

"The tournament had to be in Florida after Tom's [breaking and entering] arrest. With the ankle monitor, he couldn't leave the state."

Peyton Manning just ROASTED Tom Brady over his bungled April visit to Byron Leftwich's house ... and seriously, the clip is the funniest thing you'll see all day!!

Manning, Brady, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson all joined Ernie Johnson on Thursday to preview their charity golf match set for May 24 in Hobe Sound, Fla. ... and it didn't take long for the zingers to start flying.

Brady hit Manning with a joke about Archie Manning ... saying, "I actually thought I was going to be Tiger's partner. But then Peyton's dad called and switched the teams."

Funny, right!?!

Manning laughed ... and then dropped a HAMMER on the NFL's G.O.A.T. in return -- deciding to bust Brady's balls for accidentally barging into a Tampa resident's home last month!!

"Tiger and I talked to the sheriff in Tampa," Manning said, "[Tom's] going to be allowed to go to Palm Beach to play."

Of course, Brady took the ribbing in stride ... he cracked up over the jokes -- and even wrote on social media after, "Sorry not sorry..."

Here's something nice for a change -- Takoda the black bear's unconcerned with the troubles of the world, and is just enjoying a dip in a cold tub ... REALLY enjoying it.

The 400-pound bear's splashy bath time is a springtime staple at the Oregon Zoo, where they bust out a 300-gallon wading pool as the weather gets warm and sunny ... and let him go to town.

Takoda -- whose name means "friend to all" in Sioux -- is 10 years old and arrived at the zoo in November 2010, after being found dehydrated and hungry as an orphaned cub in Montana.

Fortunately, he was nursed back to health and found a new home at the zoo's Black Bear Ridge.

Amy Cutting, a director at the zoo, says ... "He’s quite a goofy bear. He was just cooling down and having some fun on a nice spring day.”

The Oregon Zoo describes Takoda's antics as "the kind of stuff the internet was made for, especially in times like these."

Couldn't agree more.

Carole Baskin has been impossible to get a hold of for an interview in the wake of 'Tiger King' -- but two clever Brits got her to open her yap ... under incredibly false pretenses.

The two dudes are Archie Manners and Josh Pieters, who are two YouTube pranksters who go around tricking celebs into giving phony interviews with what the duped believe to be late-night talk show hosts. They've had a lot of success ... now, they wanted Carole.

Check out their in-depth video of how they pulled it off -- it's pretty freakin' elaborate (and hilarious). Long story very short ... they posed as producers for "The Late Show with Jimmy Fallon" and reached out to Carole via email for a possible Skype/Zoom interview.

At first, she shot them down ... citing the blanket policy Carole and her current hubby, Howard, have been giving just about everyone these days -- no interview, no dice. They also regurgitated the line that they believe Netflix falsely suggested and/or implied she had something to do with her first husband, Don's disappearance and presumed death.

The dudes kept at it though, insisting they would NOT talk about anything 'Tiger King'-related with Jimmy, and promised to keep the topic strictly on cats and her sanctuary.

You gotta watch the rest, 'cause the lady bought it and agreed to do it under those terms. As for how they got JF's voice on there, that's a thing of beauty too -- they pulled old audio clips of him interviewing other celebs and tossed 'em to her live during the interview.

It's literally the oldest trick in the book -- and kinda reminiscent of that famous "True Lies" scene -- but the greatest part ... CAROLE BASKIN FELL FOR IT!!! Hook, line and sinker.

Check out what she had to say about how she and Howard are dealing in quarantine, and how they're handling all her big cats. Oh yeah, they also got her to put on her flower crown.

Bow down to these viral geniuses ... we are not worthy!!!

DJ Khaled is NOT a single man -- which he had to remind one lovely lady who tried ambushing him with a live twerking session on Instagram ... which he quickly shut down.

The guy went live on Instagram over the weekend, and like several of his contemporaries have been doing lately -- especially Tory Lanez -- DJK invited some folks in the comments to hop on and join his sesh for a one-on-one chat. Things quickly turned risque, though.

After accepting one woman's request to chat, he almost immediately regretted it ... 'cause the chick was half-naked and VERY prepared to twerk for Khaled on camera. You gotta feel for the guy, 'cause he was desperately trying to tell her to chill, that he's got a family, that he loves his fans ... but to please STOP 'cause she was clearly embarrassing him.

That didn't deter the determined dancer -- she kept at it, and even started pouring water on herself. Khaled had had enough ... he ended the chat. He wrote of the interaction, "I have love for everyone please take it easy when I’m on fan luv ig luv. Again I have love for everyone please lets be respectful nothing but love BLESS UP!"

File this under no good deed goes unpunished -- a bride and groom held a responsible, safe and socially distant wedding, only to end up losing one very important thing ... the ring!!!

Full disclosure ... the groom here is one of our NYC camera guys, Jeremy. He and his fiancee, Laura, tied the knot Saturday in Milburn, NJ. Small affair ... about 20 guests outside in Taylor Park, with everyone -- except the bride and groom -- standing 6-feet apart with face masks.

But, watch what happened next -- Jeremy read his vows, but wanted to wrap them up with a little pizzazz ... so he crumpled up the paper and tossed it over his head. Awesome! Except for the part where his wedding band also got tossed. By accident, he says.

The wedding party quickly turned into a search party ... with guests and a few passersby crawling around in the grass looking for Jeremy's wedding band.

Spoiler alert! They never found it. The rabbi told Jeremy this kinda marital disaster was a first for him after performing more than 800 weddings. Oy vey!

The show did go on though ... Laura said her vows and the rabbi pronounced them married -- so the deal was sealed in the end. Mind you, this whole affair was their plan B. Originally, they were going to have 250 guests at a wedding hall, indoors (where it's easier to find lost rings).

For the record, Laura's ring is intact and on her hand. Jeremy's got some shopping to do.

If you ever wondered what 50 Cent would look like as Veep Mike Pence ... well, here you go.

An Australian artist created a Pence-ish looking painting using Fitty as his inspiration and it's, well, interesting.

50 seemed to approve, saying ... "This f***ing guy won’t stop, SMH. I guess i’m not wearing a mask because i’m tested frequently."

He was referring to Pence's ridiculous defiance when he went to the Mayo Clinic this week, ignoring protocol as he was the only one in the room not wearing a mask. He says he was tested, but that really doesn't make a difference. They told him to wear one and he didn't.

The artist who painted the Pence pic -- Lushsux -- has a history with 50. He's turned him into Donald Trump ... something that clearly doesn't sit well with the rapper/mogul.