Humor

You knew it was coming ... the University of Michigan is hilariously roasting the hell outta its big-time rival, Ohio State ... mocking the school's recent application to trademark the word "THE."

News of the weird trademark attempt broke yesterday ... when attorney Josh Gerben noticed OSU -- which always likes to refer to itself as THE Ohio State University -- filed with the intent to make merch with the distinction.

The school's been getting made fun of ever since ... and now the Buckeyes' archnemesis is getting in on the fun.

Boom. Roasted.

Of course, if you're not familiar with the rivalry, these schools absolutely HATE each other ... and have crazy traditions, like OSU crossing out all "M"s on campus during Michigan week in the football season.

If you wanna be President -- you gotta porky pig out at the Iowa State Fair.

It's one of the greatest traditions, if not the unhealthiest, in Presidential politics. Every candidate makes the pilgrimage to the Iowa State Fair, and the essential photo op is a mouthful of pork, and not just any pork ... it's gotta be on a stick.

Yep, pork on a stick is a thing at the Fair, and God help the candidate that does not partake.

Most of the Dems who are running are making the trek to Iowa, and some are already there. Joe Biden pursued the fair Thursday, and Kamala Harris is traveling the State on her campaign tour bus and will definitely make an appearance.

BTW ... there are other swine-unfriendly options ... such as bacon-wrapped pig wings. Yes, apparently they can fly in Iowa!!!

Stormy Daniels knows better than most when a man hits the right spot, and comedian Stephen Kramer Glickman nailing President Trump onstage definitely tickled her fancy.

So, here's the deal ... Stormy hit up The Ice House comedy club in Pasadena last week to scout comedians who can headline shows she's been asked to host and produce beginning next fall. Specifically, she wanted a Trump impressionist because, well ... obviously.

Enter Glickman, who had no idea Stormy would be in the audience until moments before he grabbed the mic. And, suffice to say -- he killed it 'cause Stormy was laughing her ass off at his POTUS impression.

Glickman set up the joke asking the crowd to imagine how Trump would have announced it if Osama bin Laden had been killed under his administration. His delivery got Stormy -- hook, line and sinker.

As you can see in the video ... Stormy, who headlined a one-night comedy event in Houston back in March, ate it up. Glickman dedicated his Trump bit to her and thanked Stormy for "taking one for America." Easy, 45 ... he didn't mean inches. We think.

We're told Stormy and Stephen met backstage later, and hit it off so well they went to Denny's with some other comics. That's where she proposed Stephen join her tour, and he agreed.

For the record, Glickman is an equal opportunity offender ... 'cause his comedic arsenal includes impressions of Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. This performance was his recording for his debut stand-up album, which comes out later this year.

Hail to the chiefs ... and would-be chiefs.

Giancarlo Stanton is 6 foot 4 inches and 250 pounds of hulking, baseball-smashing man ... and Tiffany Haddish says she wants EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. OF. HIM!!!!!

"That's what I'm talking about," Haddish says of the Yankees star outfielder ... "Somebody to burp me!!!"

Haddish has professed her love for the MLB stud before ... but she REALLY took her desire to get with Giancarlo a step further Wednesday night on the 'Late Show With Stephen Colbert.'

In fact, the "Girls Trip" actress developed a sneaky plan to get Stanton interested in her ... telling Stephen Colbert she's just going to start telling everyone they're dating -- like, speaking it into existence.

"Like, the world will know that I like this person. I will know that I like this person. And then, it'll be in his subconscious. And then, he will attract me to him!"

Haddish's obsession with Stanton seems pretty real ... 'cause when Colbert told her about the home run hitter's famous physique -- she got graphic!!!

"I just want him to pick me up and go like this," Tiffany said, pretending to burp a baby ... "'It's going to be OKAY. It's going to be OKAY. Shh. Shh. Shh.'"

Bad news for Tiffany, Stanton's been rumored to be dating model Chase Carter.

Macaulay Culkin's joining the chorus of fans roasting Disney for its plan to reboot the classic "Home Alone" franchise ... with a harsh and hilarious reality check.

The OG Kevin McCallister just shared a photo on his Instagram of himself looking bloated and disheveled in his undies ... sitting on an old couch, plate of food in hand, Chinese takeout strewn about and laptop on his lap.

Or, in his own words ... representing what an updated "Home Alone" would actually look like.

Macaulay's had a pretty good sense of humor about reprising his iconic Christmas movie role that launched him into superstardom way back in 1990 ... including this ad for Google this past holiday season.

Clearly, he couldn't resist another parody ... and even kept a touch of the holiday spirit with that snowman pillow in the background.

In case you missed it ... Disney's CEO Bob Iger announced Tuesday the company's plan to reboot several famous Fox franchises it recently acquired. Along with Culkin's smash hit, Iger says it's rebooting "Cheaper by the Dozen," "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" and "Night at the Museum."

It was probably inevitable, but to many fans it's a terrible idea, and can best be described with the same word Kevin used for Buzz's girlfriend -- Woof!!!

Jerry O’Connell might want to join a biker gang ... because trying to rent a bicycle sure as hell ain't working!!!

This is the funniest clip you'll see all day ... Jerry's in the middle of Manhattan trying to use a bike-sharing program, but his credit card keeps getting REJECTED!

Jerry admits it's SUPER EMBARRASSING ... and he keeps swiping and swiping ... but no dice.

It's hilarious ... Jerry makes a crack about his awful credit score, and then dips into his wallet to fish out his mom's debit card. Still nothing doing. Side note: Who carries their mom's debit card?!?

Anyway, seems the Citi Bike machine just didn't feel like working -- neither do we -- so it's not like Jerry's flat broke.

Pretty sure Jerry's got money in the bank ... dude's got his own talk show premiering Monday on FOX, and our guy asked who he's dying to interview. Hint: Jerry has royal aspirations.

Mike Pence wants everyone to get down on their knees, and Monica Lewinsky ain't biting.

Pence was asked about how he deals with criticism of him on the Internet. His answer was predicable -- prayer. The Vice President said, "Spend more time on your knees than on the internet."

Also predictable ... social media erupted with BJ jokes. For instance, a reporter tweeted, "OK, who's gonna tell him?" In other words, someone tell the old guy he's opening himself up to oral copulation barbs.

Monica got in on the fun, hilariously responding, "def not me" with a googly-eyed emoji.

People went nuts for the joke ... telling her she won the Internet. Good on Monica!

Speaking of Lewinsky, she just signed on to Ryan Murphy's new project, "Impeachment: American Crime Story." She'll be a producer on the series. Beanie Feldstein -- Jonah Hill's sister -- is going to play Monica.

There's a rule for Baltimore Ravens rookies ... you don't bring the cinnamon rolls to team meetings -- YOU GET YOUR CAR PACKED WITH JUNK!!!

5th-round pick Daylon Mack learned that the hard way ... because after failing to deliver delicious pastries to his teammates, they stuffed the D-lineman's truck with packing peanuts!!!

Mack recorded the aftermath of the hilarious assault ... showing his ride packed to the brim with the foam popcorn.

In the clip, you can see the stuff spilling out of both sides of his whip ... and just to make sure he got the point, they even filled up the bed!!!

"Who even has the time to put all this stuff up?!" Mack said while surveying the damage.

Of course, 22-year-old Daylon got off somewhat easy ... most teams aren't as nice as the Ravens, and use interior-killing popcorn for the gag.

In fact, we've seen firsthand the kind of damage using the buttery stuff can do ... remember Kenyon Martin?!

Michael Blackson got his wish ... he says Eddie Murphy's offering him a role in the "Coming to America" sequel ... and you already know Michael is ready to jump right in!!!

We got Michael on the Sunset Strip and he had some career-changing news to share ... telling us he finally got the formal offer he was dying to get.

The comedian could barely contain his excitement ... he's been dreaming about this day ever since Eddie told us back in April he thought Blackson was funny, and wanted to bring him on board.

Akon should be getting a big thank you from Michael. Remember, he got the wheels in motion when he sent Eddie a message -- through our camera guy -- telling him to cast real Africans this time.

Michael, who's from Ghana, says the opportunity means the world to him ... and he's also got some words of encouragement for all aspiring actors from Africa. Good stuff all around.

The new gig hasn't sunk in yet though, but he told us when it really will.

Joe Biden's big-time fumble at the end of the debate is now Pete Buttigieg's victory -- and it kinda shows youth has an edge over experience ... at least when it comes to the Internet.

The former Vice President was THIS close to the finish line at Wednesday night's Democratic Presidential debate when he not-so-confidentially shared a fumbling message to millions of viewers, "If you agree with me, go to Joe 3-0-3-3-0 and help me in this fight."

Seems uncle Joe actually meant to say "text" ... not "go to" -- but since he made it sound like a website, people assumed he meant to reference the election year 2020 ... and just royally screwed it up.

Enter Mayor Pete's team -- because now if you put joe3030.com in your browser, it takes you to Pete's website!

Yes, the presidential candidate scooped up the domain, and possibly some of Biden's supporters.

Looks like a brilliant move by Pete's team, but one of his campaign officials tells us it was one of their supporters who actually did it. Naturally, Biden got dragged on social media for his gaffe. Some joked Biden had just given out his PIN number while others said Joe should sit out this race and try again in the year 3030.

For what it's worth ... Biden wanted to say, text JOE to 30330.

Justin Bieber seems to be coming to terms with the fact that most everyone loves the Jonas Brothers (including his wife, Hailey Bieber) ... now, he's on board too.

JB was spotted out Saturday in WeHo hitting up a day spa with Hailey, and on their way out ... Justin was photographed rockin' this little number, which is apparently part of his Drew House clothing collection. It's vintage Disney Jonas Bros., plastered across his chest.

Hailey was there too, of course -- and she seemed to approve of her hubby's attire ... giving him a dreamy look as they strolled away together in their caj outfits.

Now, what's funny about the Jonas shirt is that Justin recorded Hailey back in March confessing her old love for the boy band, which left him fake shocked and outraged.

Looks like he's embraced the Jonas fandom since then though -- and, apparently, aims to turn a profit eventually with this. The Jonas shirt isn't available for sale on the Drew website yet ... maybe the Biebs is just giving a test run first before putting it on the market.

Quentin Tarantino may have just gotten an idea for a sequel.

Somebody went and messed around with a "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood" billboard in Los Angeles Friday -- on the day of the movie's release -- by replacing Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio's face with accused pedophiles Jeffrey Epstein and Roman Polanski.

The vandal retitled the flick -- "Once Upon a Time in Pedowood."

Epstein -- a registered sex offender -- is currently locked up in a Manhattan federal jail for sex trafficking for allegedly exploiting a multitude of underage girls in the early 2000s.

Polanski -- who directed films like "Chinatown" and "The Pianist" -- remains a fugitive from justice in Europe for raping a 13-year-old girl 40 years ago in the U.S.

We're no film critics, but the duo would likely not make for good box office draw.

The actual Tarantino movie stars Leo, Brad and Margot Robbie as Sharon Tate.

Steve Ballmer is a MANIAC ... and we love it!!!

The L.A. Clippers chairman -- who's worth $52 BILLION -- just went absolutely BERSERK while introducing Kawhi Leonard and Paul George as the newest members of his team.

He screamed, his voice cracked ... he got the whole media group to stand up and cheer for the Clip Squad -- it was hype!!!

Ballmer says Kawhi and Paul are the two missing pieces the Clippers need to get the Larry O'Brien Trophy ... which he now calls the "Larry O.B.!"

Steve said it's championship or bust ... and gave an old Bronx Cheer when discussing the possibility of a 2nd place finish during the 2019-20 season.

HE EVEN GOT KAWHI TO SMILE!!!!!!

As for Kawhi and Paul, they couldn't have been more respectful to their previous teams and thanked their old cities and teammates ... before talking about how excited they are to play in L.A.

BUT BALLMER STOLE THE SHOW!!!

By the way, Ballmer has been going H.A.M. at public events for decades ... don't forget all the craziness from his Microsoft days. Classic!

Joe Rogan didn't deserve this.

The UFC commentator/podcast titan/comedian had parked his truck at LAX during his Summer vacation to Europe ... and when he got back, he noticed the whip was covered in cat logs.

"I parked my truck for 11 days at LAX and cats decided to sh*t and piss ALL over the sunroof," Rogan said.

"This is what was left after I drove 35 miles home. There was WAY more when I got into the car. Luckily it’s hot out so the sh*t was dry and hard, but f*ck is it disgusting."

There's more ...

"When I got in the car I was confused because it looked like someone poured a drink all over the windshield. We stopped at the exit and realized the entire top of the truck was covered with sh*t and piss."

So, what's the moral of the story ...

Kevin Hart's alleged sex tape extortionist says he didn't do anything wrong -- he was just trying to make some money and happened to have a "newsworthy celebrity sex tape" worth selling.

According to new legal docs ... Hart's former friend, Jonathan Jackson -- who's facing 2 felony counts for attempted extortion and extortion by threatening letter -- denies ever contacting Kevin about the sex tape or threatening him in any way.

Instead, Jackson claims he was contacted by a man who said he was a "Hollywood sex tape broker" and offered him $10k for the video. Jackson says he declined but began negotiation for a higher price ... but they never struck a deal.

According to the docs ... Jackson believes this sex tape broker was actually someone working on Hart's behalf to obtain the video and keep it under wraps. When the attempt failed, Jackson says Kevin "likely felt embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior" and came up with the extortion angle to make himself a victim.

Jackson claims the truth is there was never any extortion attempt or threat ... just a guy with a sex tape trying to "lawfully and legally engage in the sale of information to news outlets."

On that note ... Jackson also wants all of his electronic data obtained by a search warrant tossed from the criminal case. He claims law enforcement made up facts -- like saying he asked for $5 million from Hart -- to establish probable cause ... so the warrant was improperly authorized.

Floyd Mayweather autograph seekers need to pay VERY close attention ... 'cause the boxing superstar has one specific demand when signing his signature.

Money was at the Manny Pacquiao vs. Keith Thurman fight in Vegas over the weekend ... when a female fan asked him to sign a boxing glove for her.

Floyd grabbed for the glove -- fully prepared to scribble his John Hancock -- but after a quick inspection, he pulled back and told her he wouldn't sign.

And, why not?? He's got a reason ...

"You already got some names on it, baby. You gotta have gloves with just me on it!!"

Yep, Floyd Mayweather won't share autograph space with other boxers -- and the proof is in the video.