Humor

Apologies to Kim Kardashian and Amber Rose, but Dan Bilzerian's about to blow up their playbook by unleashing a set of R-rated emojis no other celeb would dare to do. Well, maybe Charlie Sheen.

We don't know how he got these past quality control at Apple and Google, but his "Bilzerian's Blitzmoji" set are going live today. Check out the gallery of Dan's faves: chicks, bikinis, guns, drugs, money and Zeus ... his pet goat, not the God.

There's even one honoring that time Dan hurled a porn star off a roof.

Order up, bros ... while you can.

Simone Biles is the greatest gymnast in the world ... but even she couldn't avoid taking a spill because of those damn high heels.

Nick Cannon is ALMOST living the plot of his movie "Drumline" now that he's an actual freshman in college ... it's just missing one thing.

We got Nick at Dulles Airport, and he told us the real reason he's enrolled at Howard University. Turns out he's working on an interesting major ... as far as TMZ's concerned.

Anthony Anderson should have a major advantage over Stevie Wonder when it comes to shooting hoops ... but throw in a blindfold and all bets are off.

They were both at a charity basketball tourney Sunday in L.A. ... when Anthony challenged Stevie to an impromptu free throw contest. AA put a blindfold on to level the playing field, and yeah -- it went about as well as you'd expect.

Check out the crowd of more than 500 people showing love for Stevie. We can't really say either guy won, but one of them did get closer to the hoop.

Peyton Manning dragged Tom Brady into his comedy act at the Rob Lowe roast -- firing a zinger at the Patriots QB over the whole Deflategate scandal.

Manning was talking about Rob Lowe's famous 2012 blunder -- where Lowe erroneously tweeted out that Peyton would be announcing his retirement. Obviously, he did not.

Enter Peyton at the Roast ... when he turned to Lowe and said, "You tried to take the air out of my retirement announcement so fast, you can probably get a job as Tom Brady's ball boy."

Funny ... even Tom's gotta laugh at that ... right?

Stand-up comedian Jim Jefferies can't understand why his home country is so backwards when it comes to gay marriage, and yet so "super gay" ... as he puts it.

We got Jim at LAX, and asked what Australia could learn from the U.S., and he went off on a rant about its failure to change the law on same sex marriages.

Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck used to be tight -- ya might even say like Batman and Robin -- but something's changed.

We got Kevin out in NYC and, naturally, we hopped on 2 of his fave topics -- Batman and Ben. Then came the shocker about how long it's been since they bro'd down.

Check out the vid ... Kevin also dropped a few suggestions for who could be the NEXT Batman. He wasn't taking a shot at the current one.

Peyton Manning's got one HUGE obstacle to overcome if he wants to slay at the "Comedy Central Roast" of Rob Lowe -- but Jeff Ross says the QB is already showing serious promise.

"Athletes are funny, but they don't always take a joke well," Ross told us at The Comedy Store in L.A.

"They're usually very sensitive."

FYI, several athletes have been featured on 'Roasts' in the past -- including Warren Sapp, Mike Tyson and Shaq.

The good news for Manning ... Ross says Peyton has already proved he has thick skin -- and expects nothing less than hilarity when #18 takes the stage.

What happens when you get to your cageside seats at UFC 202 -- and Mike Tyson's sitting in 'em???

That's the question Kanye West had to ask himself when that happened to him at the Conor McGregor vs. Nate Diaz fight in Vegas this past weekend.

FS1's Skip Bayless says he saw the entire thing go down -- because he was sitting right behind Kanye's reserved seats.

But what transpired wasn't a fistfight ... one of the stars backed off in a big way -- and it wasn't who you think it would be.

Lindsey Vonn's dog chewed up her workout pants over the weekend ... but she didn't realize it until it was too late.

Lindsey posted the pic on social media and wrote, "I love Mondays...especially when you get to the gym and your trainer starts laughing at you because your dog ate your pants...literally."

Ruff morning.

Peyton Manning got himself a job this NFL season after all ... ROASTER ... and his target will be Rob Lowe.

The ex-QB will be on the dais during the "Comedy Central Roast" of Peyton's fellow DirecTV pitchman -- which airs on Labor Day.

David Spade will serve as Roast Master -- and will get some help from his old "Tommy Boy" co-star Bo Derek.

Keri Hilson forgets the world's watching her social media ... at least that's her explanation for flaunting her, umm ... popsicle eating skills.

We caught up with Keri Tuesday at LAX and eased into the convo -- about the hypnotizing Snapchat vid she posted in June. Her fans, and others, were buzzing about it, but Keri never discussed what the hell she was doing. After all, she was in the middle of shopping when it went down ... so to speak.

Well, here's the full story. Hint: booze was involved. Also, she admits it could happen again ... not that anyone's complaining.

How cool is this ... Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky recreating that famous 2006 autograph photo -- IN REVERSE!

Bad news for Tyga ... Kimbo Slice's son wants to nail his girlfriend -- and there ain't a damn thing he can do about it.

Ray Lewis says the 15 days he spent behind bars were some of the worst in his life -- and claims he was forced to smuggle in food ... to avoid eating the moldy-ass jail bologna.

Lewis was locked up in 2000 -- when he was charged with murder following an incident after a Super Bowl party in Atlanta. The murder charges were dismissed and he later pled guilty to obstruction of justice.

But now, Lewis is opening up about his jail experience to Cigar Aficionado -- saying the food was so bad behind bars he had to find his very own Red from 'Shawshank' to get him some decent eats.

"For like the first seven, eight days I never ate anything outside of orange halves. If you saw the moldy bologna and things that they were trying to … I was not an animal. And I was not going to succumb to that."

"So every day [my friend] would bring me a bunch of orange halves. He snuck them in for me."

Lewis has previously called his jail sting "evil" -- and adds, "What happened to me, those 15 days, I will live for the rest of my life. And I’m OK with that."

Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw got served at his own charity ping-pong event Thursday night ... courtesy of Will Ferrell.

Will hosted Clayton's Ping Pong 4 Purpose event at Dodger Stadium -- which raises money for people in need all over the world.

After jokingly warning the guests about a man vs. coyote "danger round," Ferrell decided to clown Kershaw a little bit.

"How lucky are we to have the best pitcher in baseball on the Dodgers?" Ferrell said while standing next to the injured superstar.

"He couldn't be here tonight, but we got this guy who's supposedly on the DL!"