Hot Mamas

Madonna's ass probably couldn't make it in a Nicki Minaj video these days ... but that's not stopping her from exposing it like it's 1992 again.

The 56-year-old arrived at Staples Center for the Grammys in a sexy matador outfit, and decided to get medieval on photogs -- by hiking up her dress and showing off her aging cheeks.

Later on stage, her butt took on a bunch of half naked masked men with horns.

She keeps getting older, but her ass is ... also getting older. She just hides it well.

Brandon Marshall is a dad ... TIMES TWO ... 'cause his wife Michi just gave birth to twins last month -- and the NFL star says she's already bounced back to her pre-baby weight!

The Chicago Bears wide receiver says the kids just celebrated their 6 week birthday -- and just like Wladimir Klitschko, he's super impressed with his bad ass wife.

"My beautiful wife is not from this planet," Marshall says ... "6 weeks post baby (×2) and she's already at her pre baby (×2) weight. Her discipline with her diet and mutant genes has her #snapback game #CRAZY."

Congrats!

Tyson ... Ali ... Rocky -- they've all got NOTHING on Hayden Panettiere ... or any other woman who's ever had to give birth ... so says Hayden's boxing superstar baby daddy Wladimir Klitschko.

Wlad says Hayden's pain tolerance must be through the roof in order for her to have pushed out their giant baby 2 months ago ... saying he now believes women are WAY tougher than any boxer.

"Every woman is a hero."

Hayden might be more of a hero than most ... considering their daughter Kaya was 7 lbs., 14 oz. and damn near 2 feet tall. Hayden's only 5 feet tall.

#Salute

Kim Kardashian was way ahead of the curve ... training a camera on herself when she was just 4.

We're told Kim's "Selfish" book contains pics she took of herself in the year George Orwell made famous. She picked up a camera and instinctively decided there was nothing better than photographing herself ... so she did.

Here's what Kim said in pitching the book, "I took pictures of myself with digital cameras when I was in junior high and high school, and I just got hooked." And this will shock you ... she says, "I was always obsessed with selfies."

And we're told ... the book was Kanye's idea. He titled it and his creative team -- Donda -- came up with the look.

It's due out in May.

On the left we have Amber Rose, jet-skiing earlier this week in Miami ... while on the right we have Kim Kardashian, putting her ample backside to good use while vacationing in Thailand last year.

The question is ...

One thing you can say about Amber Rose ... she's a crack jetskier.

Amber made waves Monday as she traversed South Beach in all her glory.

Amber Rose ... gluteus to the maximus.

Lisa Rinna abides by the motto, "If ain't broke, don't fix it!" -- because she attended two parties ... 10 years apart ... in the exact same dress!!!

Care to venture a guess which photo was taken over the weekend and which was taken in 2005?

It's confirmed ... Kim Kardashian isn't a terrorist ... but TSA just got all up in that bitch just to make sure.

Kim's five-alarm booty must have tripped the sensors Wednesday at a LAX security checkpoint ... she got the royal pat down by a female TSA officer while an annoyed Kanye West looked on.

It's unclear how long it took or what prompted it, but one thing we know for sure ... nothing fell between the cracks in this search.

No, a backdoor didn't smack Farrah Abraham in the face ... she got what could well be the worst lip injections in the annals of medical history.

Farrah may look monsterish, but that didn't stop her from posting the pics online herself with the caption, "Girlfriends don't say I didn't warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit"

We're told Farrah was getting a new procedure, where the doctor puts an implant in the patients lip ... which in theory is cost effective because you don't have to maintain the work with fillers.

Farrah says she researched the doctor and the procedure and decided it was a safe bet. She was wrong. She says the doctors injected her with an anesthetic before the procedure ... and believes she had a MAJOR allergic reaction.

Farrah is no stranger to artificially enhancing body parts, but this takes the cake.

The "Backdoor Teen Mom" star tried to put a good face on it, comparing herself to Leela from "Futurama."

It's a tale of two parents -- while Heidi Klum frolicked around topless in St. Barts with her boyfriend Vito Schnabel ... Seal took their kids to Mammoth for a ski vacation.

Heidi's moguls are the best around.

"Modern Family" star Sofia Vergara is engaged to marry one of the hottest guys in town ... so why is she hiding her massive engagement ring?

"True Blood" star Joe Manganiello popped the question over the holiday weekend after just six months of dating (and Sofia only broke up with her other fiancé less than two months before that).

Vergara was spotted at the airport with her ring turned around so nobody could see it.

The ring is rumored to be at least 10 carats ... who's gonna miss it?

Salma Hayek is not one to flaunt her curves -- we rarely see her rocking little black bikinis -- which is why we're showing you these pics of her ... rocking a little black bikini.

Salma was yachting in St. Barts with her husband Francois-Henri Pinault over the holiday weekend.

Christina Aguilera is not in the Christmas spirit ... she spent her birthday in "The Happiest Place On Earth" ... in a heated argument with Mickey Mouse ... TMZ has learned.

Our theme park source tells us while ringing in her 34th b-day at Disney California Adventure, Christina and her crew tried to get a pic with Mickey, but he was going on a break ... so Christina was told she had to wait. Cue meltdown!

Aguilera lost it, and called Mickey an "a**hole." We're told she even dropped the dreaded, "Do you know who I am?"

Xtina's crew started hurling threats, we're told ... and Mickey had to be ushered to a safe zone -- out of public view. Security was called, but by the time they arrived ... the former Mouseketeer had already split.

Aguilera's rep had no comment.

Mark Wahlberg was caught swimming with a floatie this week in Barbados ... and by that, we mean his wife Rhea Durham's beautiful ass.

Kris Jenner had her first XMAS bash as a single woman ... lots of friends but notable absences.

There are reports Kim and Kanye were no shows, but take a look at the 2 pics of Kim and Kanye separately in what looks like the photo booth inside the party.

Khloe shook her ass, Kendall sexed it up, and we'd say Kylie did the same but she's 17.

Bruce was a no show ... ditto Rob, Brody and Brandon.

The bash was thrown at Kris' Calabasas mansion, where she had a giant tent constructed and laced with XMAS lights.

Is Kris Jenner the happiest person you've ever seen who went through a divorce?

10:45 AM PT -- Turns out Bruce did show up to the party ... and snapped a pic with his daughters.

Kris Jenner is through watching all of her daughters strip down and bare it all ... the 59-year-old clearly wants in on the action ... and the result is weird as hell.

Kris and Kendall Jenner won't be breaking the Internet anytime soon with this bizarre vid shot for LOVE Magazine's advent calendar ... it's a head-scratcher for sure.

When you're done eyeballing her long-legged 19-year-old daughter check out how a robotic Kris comes off like the sad mom embarrassing her kids at a sleepover.

Well ... at least they don't make out.

Take a look.