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11:17 AM PT -- Cops in Washington, D.C. are investigating the incident as a lewd act.

In the police report, obtained by TMZ, cops say the homeowner called to report the incident around 5:30 PM last Friday, telling cops the guy stuck a cucumber in the grille of her car and used the vegetable to perform sexual acts.

Cops say the suspect also performed lewd and obscene acts on the cucumber at the back of the car ... before leaving the scene.

Groceries are not as affordable as they used to be ... but, they're still remarkably cheaper than sex toys -- and, one man was caught on video enjoying the less-expensive option.

A man near Washington, D.C. appeared to abuse his lunch last week ... video captures him ducking through a broken fence with a lunch box in hand, placing it on a small flight of stairs.

Check out the clip ... the man walks over to the front of a car -- taking a cucumber with him, and appears to shimmy the veggie into the car's grille.

Nikki Bella wants to keep her son with her ... asking for legal and physical custody of her son Matteo in her divorce from Artem Chigvintsev.

The former WWE star cites irreconcilable differences in the dissolution docs ... citing August 29 as the date of separation, the day Artem was arrested for felony corporal injury to a spouse or cohabitant.

Bella checked the box to block the court's ability to award spousal support to either of them.

Good news for Shannon Sharpe ... the viral video of his Wednesday afternoon romp won't affect his day job -- as TMZ Sports has learned ESPN isn't going to discipline its star for his accidental sex stream.

A source at the network tells us ... Sharpe's absence from Thursday's "First Take" had nothing to do with what went down on his Instagram some 24 hours ago -- as his usual days off are Thursdays and Fridays.

The source says Sharpe is expected back on Monday -- and no punishment whatsoever is coming his way.

President Biden and a Donald Trump supporter teased each other before POTUS put on a red MAGA hat ... and there were jokes about Biden's age and Trump's conspiracy theories.

New video from the President's viral moment Wednesday in Pennsylvania shows the build-up to Biden briefly donning a Trump 2024 cap ... and there's lots of playful banter between Biden and a local man.

Biden presents the man with one of his own hats adorned with the presidential seal, and the guy asks POTUS to autograph the hat ... joking, "You remember your name?"

Harvey Weinstein is facing new criminal charges ahead of his rape retrial in New York ... with prosecutors hitting him with a brand new indictment after more accusers came forward.

Manhattan prosecutors revealed in a hearing Thursday a grand jury handed up additional charges, which will remain sealed until Weinstein is arraigned -- which won't happen until he gets out of the hospital.

Weinstein reportedly faces the possibility of 3 new criminal complaints from 2005, 2006 and 2016.

JoJo Siwa has nothing but respect for Taylor Swift after she decided to publicly endorse Kamala Harris for president ... but she isn't ready to follow in her footsteps.

We caught up with the entertainer at LAX after the debates, where the "Dance Moms" alum applauded the pop star for speaking out ... and noted the singer's endorsement will likely have an impact.

As she put it ... "The Swifties rule the world at this point."

The 2024 Video Music Awards were full of shocking moments and good vibes ... and, the celebs in attendance kept those good times rolling after the show ended -- congregating for a star-studded after-party.

Taylor Swift led the bold-faced names into the New York City party with her third outfit change of the night ... opting for a mini skirt paired with a corset and jacket, similar to the UFO-themed dress she wore earlier.

Sabrina Carpenter -- winner of the Song of the Year VMA, her first -- channeled her inner Dolly Parton ... white mesh dress and platform heels, matching her fierce white nails.

Eight months after a door plug blew out on Alaska Airlines Flight 1282, co-pilot Emily Wiprud is speaking out about just how harrowing the ordeal was for everyone on board.

The pilot, who was the First Officer for the now infamous flight, sat down with CBS News, where she confessed she didn't realize the extent of the damage when it first occurred. As Wiprud recalled, she first heard an explosion and a loud "whoosh of air" before her body was forced forward.

Per Wiprud, she looked back through the flight deck door, which was open at the time, and "saw tubes hanging from the cabin."

Kendrick Lamar released his first track since being announced as the Super Bowl 59 halftime performer ... and the theme isn't exactly a stadium-rocker that'll need crowd control ... he's calling for the hip hop culture to change for the better!!!

The unnamed track clocks in at 5:06, which is pretty long by current standards. But Kendrick has a lot to say about the materialism and drug abuse that passes so easily in today’s music.

Fans are convinced the song is named “Watch The Party Die.” The lyrics say “I think it’s time to watch the party die … Street n***** and the corporate guys, the rappers that report the lies I need they families mortified!!!”

Billionaire Jared Isaacman is feeling outta this world after successfully completing the first-ever civilian spacewalk -- and he spent a pretty penny to get in the history books.

The billionaire CEO of Shift4, a payment processing company, took a ride on SpaceX for its riskiest mission to date ... in which he and another astronaut left the capsule and floated in space in newly designed spacesuits.

The Polaris Dawn mission was bankrolled by Isaacman. He and retired U.S. Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Scott Poteet, SpaceX employees Sarah Gillis and Anna Menon orbited 435 miles above Earth.

Illia "Golem" Yefimchyk -- known by many as "The Mutant," and dubbed the "Most Monstrous Bodybuilder" -- has sadly died following a heart attack.

According to local media in Belarus, "Golem" suffered a heart attack on September 6 while at home with his wife, who tried all she could to save her husband ... performing chest compressions while waiting for first responders to arrive.

Yefimchyk was flown to the hospital by helicopter, where he slipped into a coma. His death was confirmed on Wednesday on social media by @whoisthebestbb.

Prince William's looking rough and rugged these days ... changing up his iconic look with a thick beard on his jaw -- and, people are loving it.

The Prince of Wales stepped out at the Royal Air Force (RAF) College in Cranwell Thursday ... clad in his sleek military uniform and ready to present an award to a graduate cadet during the Sovereign's Parade.

Check out the pics ... the beard's pretty prominent here -- brown and slightly graying whiskers, he's 42 after all, covering his royal chin as he chatted with servicemen and walked the grounds.

Halsey's engaged! The singer just revealed she and Avan Jogia are officially taking their relationship to the next level.

The singer wasn't all OTT with the announcement -- when a pop news outlet shared an X post about her hoping to marry Avan, she simply corrected them with a straightforward update ... "***fiancé Avan Jogia."

Halsey didn’t spill the beans on who proposed to who, or when, but her quickness with the online correction indicates the upgrade went down recently.

One of 4 suspects charged in the Johnny Wactor murder case has pled guilty to attempted robbery and grand theft charges.

Leonel Gutierrez, 18, is free on bond while he awaits sentencing in November ... and faces up to 5 years in prison.

The "General Hospital" actor was shot and killed back in May after leaving his job as a bartender in downtown L.A. Prosecutors say he was shot by one of the suspects, Robert Barceleau, in the chest after confronting a group of men allegedly trying to steal the catalytic converter from his car.

Kendrick Lamar's not gonna kill Roger Goodell's vibe at Super Bowl LIX ... 'cause the NFL commish says he's "absolutely" a fan of this year's halftime performer.

Goodell was out in the Big Apple with his wife, Jane, on Wednesday ... when photogs asked for his thoughts on the 17-time Grammy winner getting picked to take the stage in New Orleans in February.

"Feeling great [about it]!!" Goodell told a camera person ... while adding he's an enthusiast of the Compton MC's discography.

Caitlin Clark took a big elbow to the face during the Fever's loss to the Aces on Wednesday, and the WNBA superstar made it clear she's over getting beaten up on a nightly basis!

The incident happened on Wednesday at the Gainbridge Fieldhouse in Indianapolis where the No. 1 draft pick took an inadvertent elbow/forearm from Aces guard Jackie Young in the third quarter.

CC immediately fell to the ground in pain ... and looked for refs to call a flagrant foul. Officials, however, swallowed the whistle, and let play continue.