Heidi Montag -- How to Spoil a Playboy Shoot...

The only thing X-rated about Heidi Montag's upcoming Playboy spread is the X-pletive you're going to scream when you realize she's not naked in any of the SIX PAGES of photos.

Sources close to the barely PG-rated photo shoot tell TMZ, the magazine was under strict instructions when shooting Montag -- "No nipples, no vagina, no ass."