"Lost" Diary -- 3/29

Not sure how many sports fans we have here on TMZ, but let me make an analogy for you. After two amazing episodes of "Lost," I have been walking around as if my favorite team just won the championship. I've got a permanent smile on my face, I talk trash to people who don't watch the show -- I am even close to getting a jersey with the numbers "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42" written on the back. My show is the best and I know it! Bring on all challengers!

For all you "Lost" Diary newbies, here's how it goes. I gather with a group of friends watching "Lost," writing what happens on the show as it happens, and throwing in my two cents along the way. This week it's just me and Ari, so I'll have to imagine what Lauren would say every time Sawyer comes on screen. Let's roll:

10:00 -- Starting off right in the thick of it, Nikki is frantically burying something. If I am going to have to watch a whole episode of Nikki and Paulo, it better be good.

10:01 -- Ok, Nikki as a stripper is a step in the right direction. You never realize how attractive someone is when you spend all your time wishing they never existed.

10:02 -- We just watched a scene from the worst television show ever, "Exposé." But I guess if Nikki were in a bikini each week, I might tune in.

10:03 -- But any sexiness she had just went out the window when she kissed that old guy. That's probably what Anna Nicole and that Howard Marshall guy were like.

10:04 -- I'll let my good friend Hurley describe what just happened: "Dude, Nikki's dead."

10:07 -- It's 84 days ago, and Paulo is Nikki's boyfriend's chef. It's funny that Nikki's grandpa -- I mean boyfriend -- says he is the Wolfgang Puck of Brazil, since Rodrigo Santoro (who plays Paulo) is referred to as "the Brazilian Tom Cruise." Which is weird, because even Tom Cruise doesn't suck this bad.

10:08 -- Uh oh, looks like Gramps won't make it. And Nikki and Paulo don't look that shocked ...

10:09 -- ... because they killed him to get whatever was in his safe. Razzle-frickin-dazzle. So far if I could grade the writing of this episode, it would be an F.

10:10 -- Sun, Charlie, Sawyer and Hurley are turning into the gang from "Scooby-Doo." Did Nikki say "Paulo lies" as her dying words? Couldn't tell.

10:11 -- Watching Nikki and Paulo in the airport, I am trying really hard not to hate them, but I can't. And do you know why?

10:12 -- Because I would sooooo prefer Shannon and Boone! Good to see them back, even if it is just in a flashback. By the way, when the producers of "Lost" called the reps for Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder to ask them to come back, how fast do you think they said "yes"? Five seconds? Ten seconds?

10:13 -- Ok, now we're getting flashbacks from the pilot, only Nikki and Paulo are now mixed in. This is like watching "Back to the Future II" and seeing scenes we already saw before, just from a different angle.

10:14 -- Hey it's Artz! Dude, you've got some Artz on you!

10:15 -- And now Paulo is dead too. While I am kind of happy that Nikki and Paulo are dead, I kind of hope the rest of this episode does something to explain why they were even introduced on the show in the first place.

10:17 -- The Lost Detective Agency is working "The Case of the Dead Cast Members Nobody Liked."

10:18 -- It's 75 days ago now, and Ethan is milling around the camp and Jack is giving an inspirational speech. Ah, the good ol' days.

10:21 -- It's 57 days ago and Nikki is breaking out "the girls" to get Artz to help her find the missing bag and whatever she stole from Gramps.

10:22 -- Paulo made the mistake of throwing the fact that Nikki slept with Gramps in her face. If there is one thing you never do, it's remind your girlfriend she had to sleep with an old guy -- that you later poisoned -- in order to get close enough to steal from him. They don't like that.

10:23 -- Nikki and Paulo found the plane that Boone died in ... and the Pearl hatch. Man, if only someone had actually talked to these people for the first month or so on the island, then they might have actually learned something.

10:24 -- The Lost Detective Agency is still on the case. While Hurley goes on about "Exposé," Sawyer finds a walkie-talkie belonging to the Others. Well maybe there is hope for this episode yet.

10:29 -- It's now 48 days ago, and Kate is explaining to Shannon and Artz where they found the suitcase of guns -- which Nikki hopes will lead to the missing case. We're at the halfway point of the episode and I have to admit that I am not feeling this at all.

10:30 -- Nikki is trying to get Paulo to dive into the water to look for the case. She's not exactly the most likable woman I ever met.

10:31 -- Paulo finds the missing case (of course) but lies about it (of course). Whatever is in that case better have a Dharma logo or the numbers on it or something.

10:32 -- While the group is talking about Nikki and Paulo, Sun mentions the time the Others kidnapped her -- only it was really Charlie. And based on the guilty looks of Charlie and Sawyer -- and the fact that we saw Sun punch Sawyer in the promos -- I'd say she's going to learn it was them before we're done here. (Note: I know, I know; I said I wasn't going to watch promos anymore. But I didn't even watch this one. People told me about it.)

10:33 -- It's now 32 days ago and Paulo is chomping away at nicotine gum and trying to bury the mystery doll in the sand, but Locke catches him. Locke is his early season two, jovial self. Miss that guy.

10:34 -- So Paulo decides to hide the mystery item back at the Pearl station. Ari remembers that Paulo snuck into the bathroom of the Pearl when he was there later on, presumably to fetch what he just hid. How did he remember that?

10:35 -- But before Paulo can leave, Juliet and Henry Gale show up, talking about how they are going to get Jack to perform the surgery.

10:36 -- "Same way I get anyone to do anything. I find out what he's emotionally invested in and then I exploit it." -- Henry Gale. He was on screen for like a minute and he was better than everyone else in this episode combined. Long live Henry Gale! Oh, and now we know how Paulo found the walkie-talkie, so there won't be any cool reveal about that. You hear that noise? That's the sound of this episode sucking.

10:37 -- So Nikki and Sawyer were arguing earlier? Interesting.

10:41 -- The Lost Detective Agency is hard on the case, with Hurley pointing fingers at Sawyer. Meanwhile, now it's just Sun and Charlie by the grave site. Wonder if he'll confess now ...

10:42 -- Yeah, that was kind of easy. I don't know why Charlie confessed. Bad Idea Jeans.

10:43 -- We're up to nine days ago and we're seeing the scene where Nikki and Paulo go to the Pearl. Nothing we really haven't see before, except for Paulo retrieving the pouch.

10:44 -- Sawyer is back from "sweeping the perimeter" and the Lost Detective Agency is ready to confront him. I am half expecting them to pull back his mask and reveal he's really Henry Gale in disguise! If it wasn't for you meddling kids!

10:45 -- But it's not that interesting. Nikki was just hiding diamonds. Boring.

10:49 -- Nikki and Paulo have a sappy talk on the beach, until Nikki realizes he's lying. Still not sure how this leads to them both dying.

10:50 -- Nikki asks Sawyer for a gun, doesn't get it. Knew that.

10:51 -- Sawyer doesn't have a shirt on. Hang on for a sec while I try and channel my inner Lauren. Here goes, "I want to lick the television." How'd I do?

10:52 -- Sun confronts Sawyer about the kidnapping. When Sawyers asks Sun why she isn't going to tell Jin, she says, "Because then we'd have to dig another grave." Very true. She gives him back the diamonds and slaps him on the face. Seems like Sawyer got off easy.

10:53 -- When I die, I only want two things: 1) Prince to sing at my funeral and 2) Hurley to give my eulogy. "Um, Daniel worked for TMZ. And he wrote about this show called 'Lost.' And he was cool. And he was nice to me. And he was funny. And ..."

10:54 -- Is Sawyer really burying the diamonds with Nikki and Paulo? Come on, that's just stupid.

10:55 -- Alright, it's eight hours ago -- time to learn how Nikki and Paulo died. Ari has it figured out before it happens -- Nikki uses Artz's spider.

10:56 -- "One bite from the spider will paralyze you for about eight hours." -- Nikki. Wait a sec: didn't the graphic say this was happening eight hours ago? Oh my lord, Nikki and Paulo aren't dead!!! They are just paralyzed and Hurley and company buried them alive!!!

10:57 -- Yup, the pheromones from the female spider has attracted the male spiders and Nikki is a goner too. Have I been watching "Lost" this whole time or "The Twilight Zone"?

10:58 -- Nikki's last words were actually "para ... lyzed" and not "Paulo lies." Oops.

10:59 -- Nikki opens her eyes just as she's being buried alive.

11:00 -- Seriously, what show did I just watch?

So what did we learn? Nikki and Paulo were con artists who stole diamonds from some rich guy ... their greed was so strong, it killed both of them.

Man, this was an amazing episode ... of "Tales from the Crypt." Seriously, I feel like my show just got kidnapped by the Cryptkeeper. When does the real episode of "Lost" air this week? Is it on next? Please?

This week's show was a complete waste of time. I wanted Nikki and Paulo to die, but a whole episode for that? They should have just put a graphic up at the beginning of the show that said: "We were wrong, you were right. Nikki and Paulo sucked. Let's never mention them again." Then they could have done a completely different episode and I could have saved an hour of my life. While we can all appreciate the fact that Nikki and Paulo are dead, it was so anticlimactic that I have no clue why they were even on the show in the first place. Something tells me we haven't heard the last from them.

Now we've reached the point where I give the episode a grade, only this time I'm not. I am giving this week's show an Incomplete. I really don't see the purpose of this episode at all. So, I am hoping that in some way, at some point down the road, it will be revealed.

Here's my question to you this week: Over the last several weeks, we have seen "Lost" at its best and its worst. Can you pinpoint one thing that makes for a good episode of "Lost?" I'll give you my answer next week.